How to understand that a husband is cheating?

Women have a more developed intuition than men, and therefore they often begin to guess about a spouse’s betrayal long before the facts become obvious. The representatives of the fair sex literally “catch” incomprehensible new fluids, but they cannot always explain them. Naturally, all women are interested in how to understand what a husband changes, and also what to do and how to behave if suspicions have already appeared. In this article we will try to give detailed answers to all these women's burning questions.

The chastity and indestructibility of the bonds of marriage today are not the same a century ago. And therefore divorces happen more often. One of the frequent reasons for the termination of the marital relationship are adultery. At the same time, the share of male adultery in Russia, according to sociologists, accounts for about 75% of the total number of betrayals, while women change much less frequently - in about 25% of cases.

Psychologists, psychotherapists, sociologists deal with the causes of adultery, statistics, and the search for ways out of the unfavorable marriage situation in the country. Much is known today about the mechanisms and psychological processes that accompany treason, but, unfortunately, this does not allow reducing the number of divorces due to adultery.

Women nature has created more sensitive to future events. Developed intuition is the ability to predict negative situations and the danger in order to have time to save (hide, protect) the offspring. In vain, men believe that well-furnished treason with all the measures taken by the conspiracy will remain unnoticed for the wife. The conspiracy will deprive a woman of evidence, but any woman can feel the slightest change in her husband’s behavior. And she will do it, you can not even doubt it. As for the evidence, then a woman who feels wrong is sure to find them, even if the conspiracy measures were thought out to the smallest detail.

Premonition and guesswork - a very difficult period. It is incredibly difficult for a woman to control herself and stay calm. Inside her, a whole ocean of emotions is raging, capable of destroying not only marriage, but also her own life from within. Here, the main thing is not to cross the permissible line, because from the usual jealousy to the pathological paranoid is one small step. In a state of irrational jealousy, which psychiatrists refer to delusional states of the paranoid type, a woman will no longer hear the arguments, the voice of reason and arguments. She will be sure that her husband has changed, even if in fact there was no adultery. Gradually, the manic stage will be replaced by paranoid, and the woman risks becoming a patient of a psychiatric clinic or a murderer, because this is a real and serious mental illness.

Therefore, when suspicion of infidelity of the spouse appears, it is important not to “overreact”. Best of all, try to look at the situation from the outside. All grounds for suspicion are usually indirect. They may turn out to be not at all what they seem.Think how ugly and humiliating you will look if you start to arrange hysterics, scandals, disassembly, shout at your husband and blame him for what you yourself are not sure about: the fact of adultery! For a man, a very important feeling is respect for his partner in life. If for some reason he loses respect, everything else disappears: love, affection, desire.

The surest way to destroy a relationship at this stage is to break his respect for you. It’s easier to do this, as we’re saying: start shouting, crying, throwing a tantrum every time he comes back from work, shake him by the breasts, blame everything on earth; Ask for the name of the mistress, go to work and complain to the staff, call every half hour, check his phone and mail. All this pretty quickly convince a man that with such a life companion he is not on the path further. And regardless of whether he cheated or not, the marriage will disintegrate.

A conversation from an accusatory monologue differs in that two people respecting each other participate in it. They do not yell and do not "poke", do not recall each other mistakes and mistakes, they are talking specifically about the problem that is taking place right now. To dialogue took place, you need to choose the right time. The husband should be set up to talk, he should not hurry to work at this moment, and even more so it is not necessary to talk about it on the phone or write him a message. In this conversation, you need to see the eyes of a person, to hear the slightest change in the tone of voice.

An important conversation is best carried out in a relaxed atmosphere, on a weekend, left alone, when a man is relaxed and does not expect a "trick". You do not need to tell him in advance that “a serious conversation awaits him”, this will make him tense, and if betrayal takes place, then he will also have time to prepare a couple of dozen weighty “excuses”, since he will intuitively understand what the promised conversation.

How to ask a man? Directly. Do without long prefaces. Share your concerns, tell me what you feel, but do it as calmly and sympathetically as possible. Do not for a moment forget the thought that no one in the world is obliged to meet someone's expectations. Respect the partner. Speak not about him, but about what feelings it is you who cause his actions. Give all the inaccuracies and discrepancies in your behavior and words that you noticed, tell us about what you noticed. Do not cry and do not cry. Do everything in a quiet, calm voice.

Watch the reaction carefully. Confusion, hidden eyes, avoiding a conversation, the demand to stop the conversation right now should be alerted. Will the husband tell the truth? Don't hope for it. Yes, there are situations in which the “pressed to the wall” weighty arguments the husband really admits his guilt and tries to explain himself or is going to collect things in order to leave. But in most cases, the husband will declare that all this is “your nonsense,” that this is “nonsense,” “not true,” and, in general, “you need to think less”.

It is important, dear women, not what he says. His first nonverbal reaction is important. Look at both: tense, pale, began to nervously pull at something in his hands, squeeze the knuckles, rub the Adam's apple, cheek, nose, averts his eyes, compresses the earlobe, avoids a direct look; immediately stops the conversation and leaves the room, goes into an aggressive verbal attack - all these are disturbing signs, saying that he frantically searches for words and explanations, he lies.Remember that the first reaction will not last long, then the unfaithful husband will take himself in hand (men can do it much faster!) And tell you so many interesting stories that it will be difficult to understand where the truth is and where it is fiction.

A man who has not changed, may respond differently. Most often, he will listen carefully, and then he will laugh heartily, and maybe he will be offended, but he will do it without tension, quite sincerely.

It is most difficult to distinguish the signs of treason from the manifestations of various other life circumstances in the life of your partner. Alarmed wives on the Internet can find several hundred thousand articles and publications that offer ready-made solutions: lists of signs that point to adultery. Do not flatter yourself and take them into service, since most of them can be caused by completely different reasons. Learn to reason logically. So, we take a pen and a sheet of paper and for each point we weigh the facts from two positions: “changed” and “did not change”. Let's start right now.

Husbands who have relations “on the side” have, indeed, become less attentive to your errands and requests. In the morning they asked him to buy something on the way home, and he forgot. The date of your wedding, for which you were preparing so, "flew" out of his head. You call him to the cinema, and he complains that he is tired and better lie down at the TV on the weekend. On the proposals to make love, he often refuses, with reference again to fatigue.

On the other hand, this behavior may be caused by physiological problems: he really gets tired, works 12 hours a day with one day off, he has problems at work, difficulties with finances. It is possible that there were problems with potency, and it is easier for him to say that he was tired than to try to recognize his own sexual dysfunction (the topic for a man is extremely painful). And to the glory of male forgetfulness, in general, you can add songs, so the fact that he forgot about the date of his acquaintance, which was 10 years ago, is not a reason to blame him for treason, this is just a feature of male memory: the long-term memory of the stronger sex “limps "On both legs. The lack of sexual desires in the family bed also does not mean betrayal, because men are very sensitive to any stress. Only in the cinema, under stress, is the hero capable of bed scenes. In life, problems greatly inhibit the libido in men.

Mostly men do not hide from mistresses that they are married, and therefore they have no need to remove the ring. Exception - a serious love. If a man really fell in love and does not want the girl to know about his status, so as not to frighten her off, he can take off the ring for a while. Some take it off completely and leave it at home, others do it every day in the morning, leaving home. Watch it.

On the other hand, the ring can become small or large, because a person is losing weight and getting fat, he has swelling, and therefore wearing a ring without adultery can sometimes become difficult.

This feature is one of the first. But it is very difficult to call it explicit. They do not even mean changes in his behavior and habits, but the speed with which these changes occur. Yesterday I was still lying on the couch and drank beer for a football match, and today I signed up for the gym and was puzzled by the decrease in extra pounds.It is the spontaneity and harshness of these changes that may lead to the idea that a husband is changing. It is important to assess his attitude towards his wife: a man who feels guilty for going “on the left” suddenly becomes very caring and sympathetic, and a husband who is not guilty is often angry at his spouse for no apparent reason, shouts, criticizes, indicates her weaknesses.

We look at the problem from the other side. Reasons for shouting at his wife and criticism in her address can be any number. Angry husband can and in the event that the relationship leaves much to be desired, if she does not monitor their appearance, can not cope with the management, raising children, while it is not necessary that he has someone "on the side." His drastic changes, going to the gym and his interest in his appearance, may be associated with the banal desire to lose weight and return to the previous form, as the best friend did.

It is not excluded that before you used both of them in one general electronic mailbox, but now the husband has got his own and tries not to show you what he is doing there. A man whose relations outside the family are accompanied by correspondence is, indeed, becoming more attentive to the security of access to his electronic devices. Changes passwords on the phone and in the mail, minimizes the messenger window when you enter the room, stop throwing your smartphone in a prominent place, whereas earlier it was lying around and searched for it only by the sound of an incoming call. When his wife tries to find out what these measures of secrecy are about, he is nervous and leaves the conversation or rude, indicating that he “has every right”. Well, yes, it does. But it is this sign most often allows the wife to understand that there is a rival.

Let's look at the situation from the other side. The man, like you, has the full right to personal space and their own secrets. The secret may lie not at all in his mistress, but, for example, in the pornorolik he wants to see, but here you enter the room. Of course, he will roll the "window" on the monitor. Mysteries may be related to his professional duties, in the end, he is not obliged to show anyone what his correspondence with friends or old acquaintances is about, even if it is a conversation about fishing, a discussion of the match or you and me, dear women. As you know, this has nothing to do with treason.

Psychology has nothing to do with it. You do not need to be a bloodhound with a keen sense of smell to feel that her husband began to smell differently. Cheaters often smell new female perfumes. And there's nothing you can do. The man himself may not notice this, do not attach importance, because he “breathed his breath” and got used to the smell of perfume, of which he now is a carrier. But here the wife almost unmistakably determines someone else's smell and takes the stand of a hunting greyhound.

On the other hand, we should not exclude the option that in the workplace of your beloved one of the employees ineptly uses perfume and smells sweet so that the whole department returns home in the evening with a marvelous train of French perfumes.

Exposing an unfaithful husband is the hardest part of this whole story. Collecting a lot of arguments and not having any valid fact means not collecting anything. What to do if all indirect signs point to treason, but there is nothing to prove it? Never mind. Our advice may seem strange, but a woman needs not to “get” and “strain” her spouse, but to create the most calm and even family psychological background. If you had a conversation with your husband about his possible betrayal, and he convinced you that it was not so, pretend that his words completely convinced you, ask forgiveness several times for suspecting him in adultery and assure you that you will never do it again will not.

After a few weeks of calm and well-fed, measured life, her husband finally relax. And it is then that he can make total mistakes that will help you find the missing puzzle. Only James Bond is capable of constantly lying and not piercing himself, and even then only in the cinema. In life, even experienced scouts fail in situations where they are in visible, artificially created security. Counterintelligence of all countries is well aware of this and is actively using the method in their work to identify enemy spies.

It is possible to determine the actual evidence of possible marital infidelity by behavior, but this will take more time. Started lingering at work and not picking up a mobile phone in the evenings? Call the work number, ask to be invited to the phone, report that it is urgent, because your apartment is flooded by the neighbors above. Firstly, it will let you know whether the husband is really at work, as he says, and secondly, it will give reason to reflect on whether he has “accomplices” among his colleagues. If someone knows where he really is at the moment, they will contact him and tell who the flood is in his apartment. The husband will immediately communicate with you himself. Then you can explain what you just thought.

Well, if you are familiar with his friends, colleagues. It is not necessary, of course, to ask them direct and shameless questions. Even if they know something, they will be incredibly uncomfortable and it is unlikely that they will find out the truth. But you can casually find out whether the husband has a large amount of additional work, because of which he so often began to linger. If a friend of a traitor is not aware of his affair, they will be very enthusiastic about the work that he has as much work as before.

A husband who in every possible way avoids intimate intimacy with his wife, referring to fatigue, should be strongly sent to the therapist for an examination for possible pathologies. It is clear that he can resist, especially since the health of the traitor is just the best way. Record it at the reception yourself, go with him. Do it gently and sympathetically: you are worried about his health!

You should not turn into an amateur spy to check and find out if your husband is cheating. Sleepy, nervous, with circles under her eyes and shaggy hair, forever gloomy wife will scare anyone away. While you are creating a “visible security trap” for him, take time for yourself: go to the hairdresser, tidy yourself up, make sure that before your husband you appear in a decent, attractive form.

If the stream of accusations and comments addressed to you on his part does not diminish, if he does not cease to ignore your presence, then it is very likely that it is not what you wear or how you are made up, namely that you are just more He is not interested in him as a woman, but for some reason he does not want to dissolve the marriage. It should be noted that few people want to break off relations with his wife. Most of the unfaithful husbands prefer to preserve the marriage, and, more precisely, its appearance, since moving, sharing property, loans, children and the need to communicate with relatives are not included in his plans.

A husband who deceives his wife will not be able to hide his secret forever.It is still possible to reveal and recognize the truth, even if the man himself categorically denies adultery.

Going on a journey to search for evidence of infidelity of the spouse, you should be well aware that the descent from this "mountain" can be very painful. But climbing the mountain, the descent will never see.

Proof for you can collect a private detective. This is his work, and it is not bad and not good. It is not shameful and not scary to contact such a specialist, who is now very much in every city. If you are deceived and not ashamed of it, why should you be ashamed? If this option is affordable for you and does not contradict the conscience, it will be the best that you can think of. The surveillance specialist is usually a former employee of the authorities, often retired. He has a lot of connections to “punch” the phone number of a person of interest, establish the nature of the correspondence, find out his whereabouts at one time or another, trace with whom and when he meets and provide you with a full report, supported by photos and videos. With such arguments, the betrayal will not get out, he will not be able to deny treason. If the private syskovik does not detect the fact of betrayal, then it will most likely be embarrassing for you. How to get out of this situation will have to decide separately.

If there is no money for a private detective, then theoretically a woman herself can become one. This will help numerous programs: locators that help with a small, true, accuracy to determine the location of the spouse. If he says that he is sitting at work and completing the report and this is likely to drag on all night long, and the locator shows that the subscriber is in a completely different area of ​​the city, a couple of hours away from the office, then this will be proof of lies. But alas, not the fact of treason. After all, the husband may be with a friend in the suburbs and just drink beer in the bath so as not to justify himself to you and not report on his actions.

You can install a surveillance camera in his car. To do this, you need a small portable camera with good batteries, which will send the image to your smartphone or computer. Experts need to adjust the system, but if you want to understand this, a woman can do it herself. Tracking cameras in the apartment is also an option, especially if the woman often leaves on business. A trip to work can and imitate, going for a couple of days to a friend or mother. Records from the cameras, which the husband does not know, will help to understand the truth, if, of course, he decides to bring the woman into your apartment.

You can trace your spouse to work and after it, you can read his SMS and see the calls, write out the numbers that he calls most often and check who they belong to by making calls on behalf of the Housing Service or a social security number or some other good reason.

A smart and experienced family psychologist will never advise you on any of the above methods for obtaining evidence of her husband’s infidelity. Already at least for the reason that they are all destructive. They kill trust, understanding, feelings. They turn a woman into a torn, nervous and tense creature, and at any time such “spy games” can lead to a serious nervous breakdown. In addition, there is a risk that surveillance and espionage will be disclosed by the partner, and then the relationship may cease even if there was no betrayal at all.

It remains again to hope for the case and errors in the behavior of the partner. The most honest ways to find out the truth are always the most painful.This is the notorious shirt in someone else's lipstick, the forgotten element of underwear in the car, which you discover, going with your husband to visit or shop; after all, you can see him with his mistress by chance kissing or embracing. It would also be difficult to argue with such arguments, although, of course, the unfaithful husband will definitely try to explain the presence of other cowards in the cabin by letting the car go on a date for a friend, and lipstick by the awkwardness of a female colleague who walked down the aisle, stumbled and fell, unintentionally touching his shirt to his lips.

No specialist in the psychology of family relationships will give you the right and only correct advice on what to do after betrayal is confirmed. It all depends on what kind of person you are, what your personal level of culture is and what is permissible in behavior, with what baggage of personal experiences you have come to this stage of your life. If the marriage has long cracked at the seams, and it was going to divorce, it is possible that the betrayal of the spouse will be the last point in your relationship history. It hurt when a woman thought that everything was fine, and then the terrible truth was revealed to her.

Regardless of what you plan to do with these relations further, you need to talk to your husband, dot the i. Try to preserve dignity, do not be humiliated, do not reach threats, blackmail, do not manipulate children, do not demand anything, and do not force a man to humiliate yourself. Just find out what he plans to do next. Responsibility for the situation lies with the two, and the decision on how to be after treason is also mutual. Remember this.

After the conversation, you, in fact, do not have many options. You can collect things for the husband and drive him out of the house, you can go away yourself, you can stay both silent and curse loudly and shrillly, accusing each other of all sins. You can forgive a man and save the marriage, but you can not forgive and stop all contact with him. It all depends on how sick and heavy the relationship was at the time of adultery, as well as on the plans of the man himself. If he, under the pressure of facts, admits adultery, and declares that he intends to leave the family in order to stop all this completely, do not run after him, do not beg to stay, no matter how painful and painful it may be. At any cost, save personal dignity, because men in life can be different, and self-esteem - only yours and you have it in a single copy.

The worst thing a woman who was betrayed by her husband can do is start revenge. Reporting his act to everyone around, throwing dirt in the eyes of friends and relatives, fine-tuning his dismissal at work, filing several lawsuits to the court, accusing him of theft or violence, crumpling and scratching his car, finding the address of his mistress and filing there with a bat in his hands . No way out and embark on all the weighty itself, in retaliation for desecrated feelings. None of this will bring relief.

It is necessary to realize, accept the situation, understand that life is not over, but is just beginning, and everything that lies ahead will be definitely better than everything that is now. With the realization of this, it is possible to decide where and with whom to live next, to do everything that has been delayed for so long in marriage: go to sea, change jobs, image, finish pilots or captains of small vessels, jump with a parachute.

On the signs of male adultery, see the following video.