Can you forgive treason and how to do it?

The betrayal of a loved one is always a great personal drama, which can be very difficult to cope with. No one is immune from such a situation: any woman and any man may well one day fall into the category of deceived spouses. According to the existing statistics, in Russia at least once they changed their partner to 75% of men and 25% of women. Very often, families break up for this very reason. If you think, do not hack, then in most cases divorce and separation can be prevented. But for this you need to do the most difficult thing - to forgive. How to do this will be discussed in this article.

Treason treason strife. Circumstances and situations in which adultery can occur, the motives of the one changing, his behavior before and after the unpleasant truth opens up, the type of relationship in the given family - all this and much more will determine the ability to forgive the wrong partner. After all, you can forgive treason, and many successfully managed to cope with this. There are also a lot of those who did not succeed, and those who have decided not to even try.

Forgiveness is a great inner work, painstaking and gradual work, a sign of psychological maturity and “adulthood” of a person. It is most difficult to forgive betrayal at a young age - girls who have changed guys, guys who have changed girls because of their younger age are more categorical, and therefore often the relationship is painfully broken, leaving a trauma in the soul of the one who was betrayed. Middle-aged people can be easier to forgive because of life experience, but you can’t say that they suffer less. At any age, treason at all times is painful.

Both the man who was betrayed by his wife and the woman who found out about her husband’s infidelity are equally hard going through this stage. But it is necessary, since it is she who is the key to making a decision about readiness for reconciliation.

Answer the question, to forgive or not, should only the man himself. Advisors in this case are not needed and harmful. Counselors will rely solely on their life experience, on their ideas, on generally accepted standards, which do not always correspond to the ideas about the happiness of a certain person, the one who is in trouble now. Imagine the situation that a man addresses his friends with the question of whether to forgive his wife a traitor. With a great deal of probability, they will answer that they cannot do this, because after that the deceived husband will look like a weak-willed henpecked.

Is this what a man wants to hear, who in fact is wholeheartedly attached to his wife and really wants the relationship to be preserved? A woman who asks for advice from her mother or girlfriend also risks getting a sample answer that “all men are like that” and you need to leave him and live on. And if she really loves a partner and believes in the opportunity to improve relations? Thus, if you need to consult with someone, then only with yourself. Listen to your heart, your mind, your intuition and act boldly.

In addition to the internal readiness to forgive, you must take into account the opinion of the partner.If the cheater after he discovered the truth about his walking “to the left” and did not think to apologize, if he is not looking for dialogue, does not try to explain himself, then, most likely, do not pull out of it repentance by force. Perhaps the changed partner, in general, wants to end this relationship.

Usually an opportune moment for such a conversation comes some time after the discovery of the fact of adultery. Both need to calm down and decide what to do next.

Forgiveness is permissible in all cases, if it is allowed by man for himself. It does not matter how long the adulterer lasted, with whom the partner cheated, what methods he used for conspiracy, how the facts came to light and whether he repented. You do not need to forgive him, but for yourself, because it is much easier to live if you do not hold offenses and evil, not to mention that offense is a strong destructive feeling that can in a short time cause dangerous and intractable diseases on a physical level. For example, oncological diseases, psychosomatic experts are often called the “illness of offended people.” Think about it at your leisure.

Forgiveness does not always mean returning to the family. Even if you decide to end a relationship with your changed spouse and continue living without him (her), try to sincerely, forgive your former partner from the bottom of your heart, do not hesitate to tell him about it when it succeeds.

Life next to the abuser will turn into hell for all family members, and marriage will end in ruin anyway. Very often, deceived spouses want to get from a psychologist or psychotherapist a “ready-made recipe” for how to forgive. There is no such recipe. There is no list of ingredients that need to be added in a certain amount to get what you want. There are only general recommendations. It's always easier to forgive:

• if a cheater or cheater repents, asks for forgiveness, clearly argues for the cause of adultery and promises not to repeat this again;
• if feelings for a partner who went “on the side” were preserved, did not run out long before the adultery;
• if there is something common and important for both - children, shared hobbies, work, common human obligations and responsibilities (for example, to care for an elderly relative).

Survive a difficult time and cope with the situation, make the right decision in it, will help a simple understanding that absolutely no one in this world is obliged to meet your expectations. It is clear that it hurts, it hurts, everything boils and boils in the soul, the emotional swing throws from anguish into anger, from the desire to avenge self-pity, the offended. In order to even out their emotional background a bit at the earliest stages, psychologists often advise to imagine partner cheating in the form of a whip. The blow it received you only once - when you learned about treason. All the other blows with it you inflict on yourself, continue to warm up your sufferings and pain, to feel sorry for yourself.

Understanding the essence of the processes going on with you will help to forgive and live on (with or without this person).

• Will be at first negation, in which a person flatly refuses to believe in what happened, then a protest. It is here that thoughts of revenge will be visited, it is at this stage that anger, resentment and pain are most developed in a person.
• Then comes Adoption - offended begins to realize that all this is real, that it is actually happening and it is with him that it is impossible to cross out an event, it happened and became part of his personal history.It is at the adoption stage that the decision to forgive the partner and return to him, forgive him and leave or other options should be considered.

Whatever happens next, whatever events follow, there are several universal techniques that will help to cope with the post-traumatic psychological syndrome. Use them if you decide to stay with the abuser, to live on as a family. Be sure to try to practice them if you decide to live separately, with your new life.

During the day, armed with a pencil and a piece of paper, count how many destructive and positive thoughts and emotions you have. We thought that you were an unhappy person, and you were not so lucky, you felt sorry for yourself - a tick in favor of destruction, noted a beautiful dress on the neighbor, admired her child in her soul - a plus sign in favor of positive.

If in half a day the negative will be twice as large, begin to consciously replace your own emotions with others. I remembered the act of my husband (wife) - go to the store and buy yourself a pleasant trifle, which will give at least a few minutes of good mood.

Oddly enough, it is art that helps in the most difficult times, it changes the course of thoughts a little, and therefore read, go to exhibitions, make your own and watch other people's photos, draw yourself, go to the cinema, theater, to concerts of your favorite performers - need and need.

This method was proposed by the founder of the school of humanistic psychology Abraham Maslow. It consists in the substitution of negative thought forms and destructive actions for positive ones. The principle is as follows: for every negative thought there must be at least two real creative actions. Example: I felt sorry for myself, burst into tears, in parallel a vile thought crept in to take revenge on occasion - we get up and go to elderly parents so that, without waiting for good will, to help them do general cleaning, and on the way back we help unfamiliar pensioners to cross the road.

In the heat of the moment, they spoke about the partner who had changed ugly - we voluntarily sit down to teach lessons with the child, and then we take out the garbage, and not only our own, but also the garbage of a lonely pensioner-neighbor, since it is difficult for her to walk up and down the elevator. Usually after a couple of weeks, the emotional background becomes more positive, a person notices that his mood has improved, he has vigor and a sense of contentment himself (he has done so much good!), The traumatic situation begins to lose its relevance and sharpness, the sensation of pain, loss is dulled.

Remember how you admired the actress's hairdo on a photo in a magazine or the courage of a friend who recently jumped with a parachute. Now is the time to take from life everything that was put off indefinitely. It's time to sign up for the gym and fight there a couple of times a week with a beer tum (for men) or excess volume at the waist (for women), it's time to go and make that same hairstyle, repaint your hair, change your wardrobe, take a parachute jump, unlearn on the rights to control light aircraft, in general, to do what has always been wanted.

This is a method of pronouncing your feelings. You need someone you can trust. He must be a good listener. TOWhen the innermost and most terrible emotions are voiced, they are spoken, they lose some of their frightening properties. Well, if such a person will be the culprit of the situation, if you decide to forgive and continue living together. If one succeeds in applying the method, then relations in such couples become even better than they were before adultery, since the spouses finally begin to understand each other’s feelings and become closer to each other.

If the method with a partner does not work, or you are a very secretive person, try to talk to strangers - a psychologist, train conductor, casual companion. Often, it is such meetings that help us verbalize our anxieties and negative thoughts.

And here no one can give any guarantees that the cheater will not again go in search of thrills "to the side." It almost does not depend on you, but depends more on what the guilty himself thinks about his act. Sincere repentance and shame increase the likelihood that the situation will not happen again. Attempts to justify and partially shift the responsibility for adultery to the second partner (“well, you are also to blame” or “you yourself was wrong”) mean that a person partially justifies his own actions and in which case he may well repeat them.

It is clear that after establishing the causes of treason, it will be necessary to correct the relationship. And it will have to deal with it mutually.

• If the partner has decided to have relations on the side because of dissatisfaction with sexual relations, you need to diversify your intimate life, try to make it rich and regular.
• If the reason was in the occasionally turned up reason to drink and drink, then you need to avoid situations where the changeer will attend parties.
• If the reasons were in dissatisfaction with the relationship between husband and wife, you should work in this direction, find more common interests, often spend time together.

No control system has ever prevented adultery. If the partner decides to start another intrigue "on the side", then it will not work to keep him; he simply, knowing about the suspicion of the spouse (spouse), will be very careful and very secretive.

If you forgive a partner with the intention to live with him further, you will have to trust. Only trust, together with forgiveness, will help to create a normal psychological situation in the family. There will be no trust - there will be no family. In fact, people, of course, can remain husband and wife, but life in such a family will resemble a thriller, and the children (as well as adults) in such a family can only sympathize.

No one forces you to make this or that decision. It is only your responsibility for it - on you. Even if a person understands the need to forgive, loves children very much, would really like to save his family, but everything inside is opposed to the thought of living on with the traitor, going to bed with him, sharing one roof over his head, then it is not necessary in the name of high ideals sacrifice your life and your mental health. Such a life can lead to tragedy or to a separate ward to a psychiatric hospital. Leave without thinking, without regrets, save yourself and your children, because in the end for all this divorce will be a blessing.

If you decide to forgive, remember that it will not be possible to do this until the end in a day, a month or a year. The process can take a long time. It is important to imagine exactly why you are going on this difficult path - true love for your partner, a desire to help him and yourself, a desire to raise children together. Naturally, these desires should be mutual.

Whatever the initial decision, psychologists recommend adhering to some recommendations.

• Do not use the fact of treason as a weapon against the offender in the future, do not remember this story to him.Do not demand anything referring to your generous forgiveness. Do not blame him after you have forgiven.
• Do not tell your relatives or friends about the incident, as you will form a negative image of your partner.
• Do not shout, do not insult the guilty, do not humiliate him, do not force him to humiliate yourself in front of you. In a situation of adultery, it is very important to preserve human respect for him, for himself, to preserve his respect for you.

• Do not pour grief in alcohol and do not go to revenge identically. This does not help to solve the problem, but only makes it more confused, nervous and nasty.
• Do not take revenge on the offender, do not try to spoil his relationship with common children, do not hang "labels."
• Feel free to defend your right to happiness - with or without this person. Do not let yourself be manipulated.
• Try to maintain dignity, no matter how difficult it is. Do not stoop to fights, obscene expressions, ugly scenes.

It is important after this to describe the circle of permissible, so that the partner, who once changed, does not think that your forgiveness is a lifelong indulgence that lets him all his sins for several years ahead. If you are starting a new life, avoid making old mistakes in it - do not water the former or the former with verbal mud before the new lover, do not retell the circumstances of your separation.

It is important to be open to everything new, not close in on your misfortune, not limit your social circle, and not fall into chronic distrust of all members of the opposite sex. A new meeting, perhaps not far off. It is possible that it was you who waited for her whole life, just so far you have not guessed it yet. The scornful principle “Everything that is done for the better” actually works perfectly.

It is worth forgiving treason or not, see the video below.