Adultery: Causes, Signs and Advice of a Psychologist

Adultery is a burning topic. Those who suspect her torment themselves and those around them with mental agony; those who change, get tired of the lies and the constant fear of being exposed. Completed adultery often causes divorce and separation. But is treason as simple as it seems? Are there ways to forgive her and keep the relationship, what reasons are pushing men and women to infidelity, we will tell in this article.

In the notion of “betrayal,” each one puts in his own set of ideas and depends on his upbringing, the professed religion, life experience, and individual character traits. For some, it is the fact of bodily, physical treason that is important, while others attach greater importance to the moral aspect and abused feelings. Very often, betrayal is compared with betrayal. Marital infidelity is considered sinful in almost all religions, it is condemned. In this case, the definition of adultery as such applies only to sexual relations with another partner with whom the person is not married.

In practice, such a definition looks rather sparingly and poorly, since it does not reflect all the nuances. It is a mistake to believe that treason is limited only to the limits of the boudoir. Today, the world offers many ways to communicate outside of marriage.but that’s why some people consider cheating and virtual communication with someone on intimate topics, virtual sex and other electronic forms of erotic communication.

Adultery, despite the fact that they appeared back in antiquity, almost simultaneously with the institution of marriage, is shrouded in many myths, which also leave their imprint on the idea of ​​adultery as such. So, it is believed that rich men and women change more often than poor. It is not so - moreover, it is the poor women who are more prone to adultery than the rich, which cannot be said about men.

It is believed that the one who has fallen out of love or did not truly love has become a traitor. This is fundamentally wrong, very often treasonrs tremulously and tenderly belong to their second half, and their plans do not include divorce and separation. Love as a feeling and sex on the side without such a feeling is demarcated by the majority of men, which is not the case with women, since for them there should be at least a minimal emotional, sensual component.

Many people think that “they do not walk with good sex in the family,” and sincerely believe that the variety in the bedroom is a panacea for partner treason. Not at all, because there are other causes of adultery, and sexual dissatisfaction is not the most important of them. The allegations that men change more often women are basically true, sociologists confirm this: 75% of unfaithful men in Russia account for up to 25% of women who decide to adultery.

If you look at the facts of adultery more closely, it becomes absolutely obvious that men and women change for different reasons. This was emphasized by the well-known Russian sociologist Andrei Zaitsev, who devoted a large part of his work to the preservation of the institution of marriage.

Andrei Zaitsev singled out several reasons characteristic of male and female adultery. At the same time, there were very interesting trends.If earlier it was believed that men go "on the side" solely on the call of nature, which dictates them polygamous and irrepressible libido, then sociological studies have shown that due to dissatisfaction with the quality or number of sexual relations in marriage, only 9% of the sexes change. Another 2% honestly acknowledge outstanding sexual needs and abilities, which clearly surpass similar indicators, nor do they link their adventures of “health for the sake of” to the area of ​​feelings, love, and family in any way.

Please note that many more men (from 14%) claim that they have begun to change because of the need for falling in love, for emotional new sensations, and sex as such has not played a role. This often happens in families in which spouses have become accustomed to each other, feelings have somewhat faded away, but they have not lived so much together to come to terms with the spiritual vacuum that has arisen after the loss of bright love.

New true love is met outside the family, about 6-7% of men. And there's nothing to be done: as a rule, their marriages end in divorce on their own initiative or the initiative of the wife. Self-esteem is raised to 10% of unfaithful men, but here we are talking mainly about the representatives of the stronger sex with low self-esteem. Up to 9-10% of men indicate that the reason for treason was a long trip, departure; while most of these men do not see anything criminal in temporarily replacing the departed spouse. In 14% of cases, men specify “chance” as a reason. This is a whole complex of various circumstances in which he simply could not resist or did not give himself a complete report: corporate party, company with alcohol. A small degree of intoxication enhances sexual desire and weakens internal inhibitions, even for very important men.

For reasons of revenge, men change infrequently, but the conflict with his wife, a quarrel, may well push the representative of the stronger sex to adultery in order to simply prove to myself that he is a free and independent person. Features of male treason include the fact that most traitors are usually confident in their own abilities: if the spouse suddenly finds out, he will be able to resolve the issue with gifts, persuasion, scandal or blackmail in the end. Men are more likely to believe that the wife does not know anything and will not guess about anything.

Female infidelity for the most part is an escape from family relationships that does not suit her. The most frequent cause of women's adultery is a situation in which the wife does not feel the love of her husband, does not see her manifestations, does not receive emotional support, attention, does not have financial or household help. This is the reason for adultery in about 35% of cases, in any case, women indicated this in an anonymous survey conducted by Zaitsev. On the “side”, therefore, a woman seeks not so much sex as emotional support and attention.

It is harder for a woman to decide to commit adultery, she goes to her longer, and, as a rule, more women than men decide to have serious relations "on the side". Therefore, there are cases when true love outside of marriage forces a woman to abandon the ancient instinct of preserving the hearth and destroy the family for the sake of a new life. Men usually do not take revenge for treason for betrayal, but from a woman it is quite possible to expect: up to 10% of unfaithful wives said that they were cheating on their husband just because he had cheated on them. To prolong youth, to raise self-esteem women at the age of 35 years sometimes try, if their spouses do not understand that even after 15 years of marriage, his wife needs men's admiration very much.

For purely business-like (career) reasons, about 2% of betrayals are resolved, and due to an accidental combination of circumstances - corporate, alcohol - changes about 4% of unfaithful wives.About 1% of unfaithful married women indicate that they are using adultery as a way to earn extra money for themselves or to receive expensive gifts from a lover. A distinctive feature of female infidelity is the presence of one lover, whereas a man may have several lovers at the same time. In this case, more often, a woman completely refuses sex with a family, whereas an unfaithful husband can maintain sexual contacts with his wife and mistress.

Usually, women begin to guess that they are being changed, earlier than men, because women are characterized by developed intuition. There are many ways to identify betrayal in the family, it all depends on what the deceived spouse considers acceptable and acceptable to himself personally. One is easier to talk heart to heart with a partner, put everything on the shelves, look at the partner's reaction and draw conclusions. Others arrange espionage, reading messages, checking mobile phone, email, spying on the way to work and from work. Still others hire a private investigator or ask a friend to watch her husband. The fourth get a fake account on the Internet and on another's name flirt with their own spouse and incline towards intimacy.

Signs that may indicate a betrayal, there are many. But each of them (and this should not be forgotten!) Can not speak about anything like that. For example, refusal to have sex can be a sign of illness, stress, fatigue and nothing more; being late home from work can be explained by the desire of a man to meet with a friend and drink a beer. It is very easy to invent imaginary betrayal and start to suffer for it completely for real. And here it will be just a step towards the pathological form of jealousy: paranoid delusions. Even if a partner’s treason suddenly fell upon you “like snow on your head”, there is always a way out, it’s only important to know exactly what you want, whether you want to maintain relationships and whether you are ready for corrective work “on mistakes”.

Answer this question is very simple. Revenge is destructive not only for the one to whom revenge. First of all, it cripples and distorts the identity of the person who takes revenge. It is based on anger and anger, it kills in a person all the best that was given to it initially. Of course, the desire to take revenge on the traitor for his mocked feelings and lost confidence, especially at the very beginning, will be strong. You need to cope with it at all costs. Do not go down, do not lose self-esteem.

After the situation is well thought out, the reasons are analyzed, an understanding will come - to forgive or not to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of strong and adult people. Only generous people can forgive. There is a reason to become the same, since it is still necessary to forgive a person, even if continuing to live with him is not part of your plans. To forgive is to justify, acknowledge and share your own guilt in what happened. But do not get carried away and do not start engaging in self-motivation.

Save the family after adultery is possible only if both spouses are ready for it and want it. It is important to remember that after the cheater is forgiven, certain changes must occur in the life of the couple. Leaving everything as it is is impossible. It is necessary to discuss and discuss the responsibilities for housekeeping and general obligations. It is necessary to eliminate the original cause of treason. Saving a family will require a lot of spiritual and psychological work on yourself. And it will be engaged in each of the partners. Otherwise, the family will not save.

Given the large number of reasons that can be a motive for adultery, specific prevention of adultery does not exist. Just read the section again on what often leads to the infidelity of husbands and wives, and try to act "from the opposite." It is important for men to express their feelings towards their wife more often, not to stint on tenderness and participation, care.It is important for a woman to avoid tantrums and scandals from scratch, suspicion and dryness in the expression of her feelings towards her spouse is a kind word and a man is pleased!

Common interests and common leisure can hold spouses better than any prohibitions and restrictions. A friendly participation in the life of a loved one and the rejection of criticism, claims and quibbles will increase the degree of trust in each other, which in the end will be a strong basis for honest relationships. Unfortunately, all these measures do not guarantee treason, “by coincidence,” unwitting adultery, but with good relationships, it will be much easier to forgive and accept the situation and find a decent way out of it.

For signs of adultery, see the following video.