Betrayal of a wife with a friend of a husband: causes and further actions

Betrayal of a wife with a friend of a spouse is not uncommon. It is not only a favorite scenario of the directors of serials, but also a completely unattractive reality, since, according to statistics, women often choose exactly the husband of her husband as a lover (permanent or once). The leaders among the lovers of married women, of course, are colleagues (up to 35% of all female adultery), but the share of adultery with friends of the spouse accounts for a substantial share - up to 22%. In a difficult situation in this case, three people fall at once - a husband, a wife and a friend. Everyone loses more than he gains, but the most difficult, of course, deceived husband, because for him it is a double betrayal. In this article, we will consider the features and causes of such betrayal and show whether it is worthwhile to forgive and how to do it, if such a thing has happened.

It is difficult to say that it will be more difficult for a man to forgive a wife who has changed, or to forgive a friend. It so happened that male friendship is always more monolithic than female, and betraying a friend for a man can be a far more painful fact than adultery spouse. The world for her husband is literally collapsing, because he has the illusion that no one can trust him anymore, neither friends nor women.

For the wife the situation can develop differently. - everything depends on the degree of her feelings towards her lawful spouse and his companion. For the best friend, the revealed betrayal most likely means the end of the friendship, no matter how long it may be - male biologically polygamous individuals do not get along in one territory, and therefore further communication will be almost impossible.

The deceived spouse, as soon as the first sharp and sudden pain subsides a bit, will surely take up an internal analysis of the reasons why his pious woman decided to do this. At the same time, he almost internally justifies the action of a friend - he understands that there are situations when it is possible to refuse the opportunity and not use it above the male forces. But he can hardly understand why a friend did not remember his duty to him.

Andrei Zaitsev, a sociologist and president of the Association of Sociologists of the Russian Federation, who, unfortunately, passed away in 2015, was studying the psychology of adultery in Russia. He tried to find the underlying causes that push men and women to infidelity. Numerous sociological studies that he conducted showed that in his imagination he mentally changes up to 59% of the fair sex to his husbands. In practice, about 25% of women do it. In this case, most often treason is of a one-time nature (80%), where women are less likely to have a long intimate relationship with a lover.

Why precisely friend husband? Because He is more often than other men in the same company with spouses, because with a long and close friendship, people are usually friends with "families"because he is well known to a woman and they have quite a lot in common. Sometimes wives even consult with their spouse's best friend - first, what to buy as a gift to her husband, and then about family problems, they ask for advice.More often, such a betrayal occurs involuntarily, under the influence of the situation, it is not planned - they drank too much, were left alone in some difficult or tragic circumstances, etc.

A rather common cause is boredom. - the woman has a lot of free time, and the relationship with her husband began to fade, the inevitable addiction to each other occurred, feelings are not the same, sex has lost its novelty, resentment has accumulated over the years that have passed. If at the same time the friend of her husband is near more often than the husband himself, then not far from the trouble, especially since the husband has no time all the time, and a friend is always ready to listen to the woman, especially if he likes her.

Another question - why do wives of friends always seem more attractive than their own? It is difficult to explain, most often - the reason for wanting to feel adrenaline, to like someone other than your own lawful spouse, as well as the inherent rivalry for a large number of females that is natural for men. No matter how we talk about the consciousness and the predominance of man over the natural world, the ancient laws of the animal world very often implicitly govern the actions and actions of people. And from this you will not escape.

The woman for treason, according to sociologists and psychologists, there are other reasons:

• dissatisfaction with the quality or quantity of sex in marriage;
• treason for treason - a mirror revenge to her husband for similar behavior;
• self-affirmation, self-esteem increase;
• lack of common interests, common goals with the spouse;
• real new feelings.

It should be noted that really falling in love with her husband's friend is not so common. But if this happens, then the woman from the collapse of the family is usually no longer possible to stop. In other cases, women who are more attached to the family hearth feel guilty and are not ready for divorce.

The risk factors that a man should pay attention to are diverse. More often than others, women who have received a higher level of education change their husbands than their spouses, who earn more, financially independent women, women who very rarely see their husband due to his employment, as well as those who face a chronic lack of understanding from their legal spouse.

A great deal for a man and other participants of adultery depends on how and under what circumstances betrayal was revealed. The most dangerous situation is that the husband returned prematurely and found his wife and his friend in an unequivocal position. It is in these situations that spontaneous killings occur most often.

If this man managed to cope with the desire to grab knives and axes, then he should as soon as possible leave the apartment or place where he found lovers. No fuss, no attempt to understand what is happening, it is not necessary. Not now, anyway.

If the husband did not witness the betrayal, but the information reached him and it is reasonable and confirmed, but here the predictions for lovers are much more favorable. Deceived husband, again, is not recommended to immediately arrange the proceedings.

At first there will be a denial, an unwillingness to accept reality as it is. Then the protest stage will begin - it is important to cope with this stage not alone. Let there be someone who can stop you from erroneous actions - a brother, comrade, neighbor, colleague.

It is unlikely that friends will advise to forgive the guilty wife. This, in the understanding of most men, is unacceptable. But there will be plenty of advice on how to refine and brutally crack down on a former friend. Is it that you want to hear? Most likely no. If you go to a psychologist or a psychotherapist - beyond strength, you will have to make a decision on your own.

Try to isolate yourself, look at the situation from the outside, on behalf of each of the participants. Make an appointment with your wife - you definitely need to talk, even if you no longer intend to save the family. Make an appointment with a friend? You decide, but he is unlikely to say something original, most of his comrades caught on adultery begin to shift the blame for what happened to his wife, and sometimes they even blame the deceived husband that he did not heed advice when he chose this woman as his companion. of life. If there is a need to talk with a former friend, speak, but in no case try to provoke a fight or a massacre. Only calm tone, no charges.

With my wife, it is important to try together to figure out why everything happened. If the husband himself indirectly created favorable conditions for the adulterer, he must honestly and openly admit it. To insult or beat a woman is lower than the dignity of a real man, and therefore it is not necessary to descend to the level of a marginal.

Can I forgive my wife in this situation? Can. Is it possible to save a family? You can too. But it should be clearly understood whether it is necessary. The fact is that forgiveness in itself is not an instant, not an instant thing, it comes gradually, consciously, you still need to “live” it. If a woman refuses to dialogue, wants a divorce, do not be humiliated. Do not even make her humiliate if she begs for forgiveness. To revel in the view of a screaming woman crawling on her knees is psychological sadism.

If a woman is determined to save the family, take time out to think about it, do not rush. In addition to the unpleasant and difficult act, the wife is still something important for you: she is a good person, a great mother, a caring spouse. This can sometimes outweigh the insults. Consider the fact that she herself can fearfully repent of her deed. Does she have a margin for error? And you? If you are a sensible person and understand that all people have the right to make mistakes, it is time to answer the question whether you will forgive her.

Men often depend on public opinion, and, much more than women. They are worried about what friends and comrades, relatives and neighbors will say if the fact of betraying a spouse with a friend has already become public knowledge. And they, most likely, will say he is a henpecked and weak-tempered man, since he could stay and live on with this woman. We need to honestly answer the question - what is more expensive: the opinion of society or the relationship with a particular woman. If the second, then do not look back at others.

If everything inside opposes the idea of ​​going to bed with this woman again, sitting at the same table, then you should not return to the relationship. If you want to save your family - act boldly. Forgiveness in such a situation requires a man of great courage and generosity, great love for his family, for his wife.

The method proposed by Abraham Harold Maslow, an American psychologist and the founder of the school of humanistic psychology, is very useful at this stage. He proposed replacing one negative thought form with two useful and creative actions. The method is called an effective action, it is widely used in the psychotherapy of loss, frustration and other painful problems that can be difficult to overcome.

How it works: in the morning my husband at breakfast remembered the unpleasant act of his wife, threw an insulting word to her. Following this, he should do two real creative things, for example, help her neighbor in the garage to change the starter on the car for free, and also go to her mother-in-law and willingly offer her help in painting the walls in the storeroom. For every negative action should be a positive reaction. Gradually, unpleasant memories are supplanted from memory. Naturally, forgetting completely will not work, but it helps a lot to distract from your sufferings.

My wife does not need to be humiliated, set her own conditions, totally control her and suspect her into treason until her old age. Keeping silent is also a sure path to divorce. Try to understand and respect her as a person, as your companion, as a mother of your children.

It will be difficult to make sexual contacts — there may be technical difficulties with the actual execution of the marital debt. If, six months after the betrayal, it is impossible to establish an intimate life with your wife on your own, you should turn to a psychotherapist - such states are corrected by hypnotherapy and other techniques.

If you are lucky and lucky to have a beautiful wife and best friend in your life, take care of them and try to keep the relationship between them all at the proper level. It is important from the very beginning to define the boundaries of what is permissible for a friend and for a spouse - their meeting without your presence is, in fact, not needed by anyone. If, of course, you ended up in the hospital, and both of them came to visit the patient, this is understandable.

Try to be closer to your spouse, always support her point of view in disputes with your best friend, play along with her. If a woman feels support from her husband, she is unlikely to look at his friend. And the comrade himself will quickly understand that this territory is “taboo” for him.

Solve your personal problems with your wife, not with a friend, do not discuss her behind her back with a friend. In quarrels it is better to deal with her, listen to her and do not move away from the dialogue, otherwise she will find "free ears" in the person of your close friend.

Be vigilant on joint holidays, especially if they take place behind a set table or in nature with alcohol. Do not quarrel with your wife after a glass of alcohol, do not leave her alone for a long time, do not offend, especially with friends, so as not to create the ground for a friend to intercede for her or to begin to express her sympathy to her. Adulter seeds grow quickly on such a favorable soil.

The reasons for cheating a wife with a friend of her husband, see the following video.