Should I forgive betrayal of his wife and how to do it?

In society, there is a perception that men are less sensitive, that they are less likely to suffer because of love blunders and failures. In fact, the representatives of the stronger sex suffer no less than women, they simply “mask themselves” better. One of the most difficult questions for men is the question of whether to forgive the chosen one the fact of betrayal. The complexity of the situation is that the man simply has nowhere to go for advice: friends and comrades, and parents are unlikely to understand, and it is not an adult man to complain to his mother about the behavior of his wife. Russian men are not accustomed to psychologist visits, so they are left alone with their misfortune. In this article we will try to find a way out and show you how to control yourself and make a fateful decision.

Until 2015, a remarkable doctor of science, sociologist Andrei Kirillovich Zaitsev lived and worked in Russia, who devoted a large section of his scientific work to psychology and social aspects of marital adultery. He claimed that up to 59% of women are prepared mentally for treason against a spouse. But to be ready to mentally and translate thoughts into reality are two different things. Statistical data from Zaitsev’s research showed that, in fact, up to 25.4% of women change their husbands. In other words, every fourth. If this figure is outraged, then pay attention to the actual number of men's treason - almost 75%. It is clear that these figures do not at all reassure the man whom his beloved has changed, and therefore let us understand the motives.

A woman, as a whole, is characterized by a great affection for the family, home, women are less likely to ruin their marriages, less often they leave their husbands for another man. And yet sometimes they change. The reasons for that are. According to the data of the same Andrei Zaitsev, women rarely go on long-term relationships “on the side” - only 20% of traitors have a constant lover, the rest have a “one-time” fact of treason.

Among the reasons that the respondents anonymously indicated in the questionnaires during the study, the most common is boredom. The woman just got bored and routine. Relationships with her husband have lost their former romance, they do not admire her daily and nightly, do not sing serenades and do not commit rash acts for the sake of love. It is understandable - married spouses for a long time. If a man underestimates the importance of romantic feelings for his wife, then it is possible that one of four such wives will still decide to have an affair or an affair on the side. This is the reason indicated by 22% of women.

Other reasons are arranged in the following order:

• dissatisfaction with sex (quantity, quality, emotional content of sexual intercourse) - 13.5%;
• treason as revenge for the betrayal of a husband - 10.5% of the fair sex;
• new "real" love, new feelings - 5% of women;
• self-affirmation, a way to increase self-esteem - 3% of women;
• coincidence of circumstances (state of alcoholic intoxication, fleeting bright affair at corporate party, at the resort) - 1.5% of women.

According to experts, there are special prerequisites for women's adultery, which, for the most part, are not typical of the stronger sex. Studies have shown that most often a woman changes under the following circumstances:

• the woman had a rich sexual experience before marriage, changed many partners;
• her education level is higher than that of her spouse;
• the woman is financially independent of her husband, has a good job and a normal level of income (as an option, she feeds the family);
• a woman rarely sees her husband, communicates little with him and has no common interests (hobbies, music, films);
• a woman is too young (under 23) or has stepped over a 45-year milestone.

Anyway, sometimes the reason can be very difficult to determine - it is not obvious or it is a symbiosis of several risk factors at once.

Before deciding whether to forgive or not to forgive a wife who has betrayed and changed, you should at least try to find out the reason. Well, if the spouse voices her herself, worse - if she will be silent. In this case, you have to think for yourself, and these reflections may not be the most pleasant for vanity. If you put everything “on the shelves”, then very often there are preconditions that a man unwittingly created himself — he loved little, did not embrace and did not kiss, did not share her interests and was not interested in her affairs, did not attach importance to sex feelings, believing that Mechanical process woman for pleasure is enough.

In the heat of the moment, while indignation and resentment are boiling inside, no decisions should be made. The probability of an erroneous decision, which the man will later regret, is too high. There are actually two options for getting out: to pack up things and nobly release the living space, go to a new life in search of a new love, or stay in the family and try to forgive the spouse. It may take a little time to think - a few days, or maybe a few months, and therefore, first you need to decide in what situation it will be more comfortable to live this time.

It's all individually. Some prefer to stay at home and proudly remain silent, others go to the cottage, to mom, to a friend at the cot, to work with a clamshell. It is your right. Just to think no one interfered.

Much depends on how the culprit behaves, - if the woman you love repents and now regrets what happened, if she is open to dialogue, then it will be easier to agree. Usually, women after treason really feel strong guilt and shame. There are individuals who continue to insist on being right, blaming everything that happened on the circumstances of a lover or a deceived husband (“he is guilty”). They, as a rule, avoid communication after the fact of treason was revealed

You should not assume that a man who is willing to forgive the betrayal of his beloved and stay with her further is a weak-character person. Yes, in his surroundings there are quite a few friends who will argue this way (and even to his eyes), but this solution is worthy of respect from whatever side you look. It is difficult for men to change their usual life, especially if the marriage lasts a long time (there are children, common loans and mortgages, mutual friends). The desire to save the family may be stronger, and this is good. Having forgiven his wife, he will display nobility and generosity.

The best tactic for a man who decides to forgive is the effective action method developed by Maslow. In short, for every negative thought about the wife’s deed, about her personality, for each episode of self-pity, there should be at least two active actions of a creative sense. Example: once thought: “Why is she so with me? Well, for her, that and that, and this, and she ... ”- she helped the elderly neighbor take out the trash, voluntarily washed the dishes and helped the child to do her homework. Or this: once he reproached his wife for her wrongdoing - he twice went to her mother-in-law and helped with the housework. It works flawlessly. Positive activity quickly displaces emotional distress.

To forgive or not is up to a man. No one here is his advisor. It is only he who can assess the circumstances, weigh the depth of his feelings, his wife’s readiness for dialogue.

If you decide to save your family and forgive your spouse, you should definitely start with a serious and confidential conversation. No need to make excuses and blame her, you only need to sum up your thoughts aloud - “you did it, it already happened, but I, too, was not attentive enough (sympathetic, caring, faithful, etc.)”. Do not say "you", talk more about how you feel now. Call things by their proper names - “insulting”, “difficult”, “scary”, “unpleasant”. But be sure to summarize - you love her, you want her to be there.

The principle formulated by renowned psychologist Polina Gaverdovskaya will help to forgive your wife: “No one in the world is obliged to meet your expectations.” Apply it to yourself and your wife. Consider it a separate person, and not an application to his beloved. This will help make a decision with respect to the partner.

Try to look at the situation as an outsider. Imagine watching a movie whose characters (both of you) are in a certain situation. See how “your” character will behave. If he starts screaming and rushing, tearing everything down and slapping his wife in the face, then you should not start a relationship again. Internal aggression will come out once, because, like all secrets, it tends to become apparent.

Agree with the wife about the rules of later life - you do not remember adultery (although you will not really get to forget, of course), she does not repeat such actions. You never tell anyone what happened, never reproach her, she never reminds you of what happened.

Forgiveness does not come immediately. This is a gradual, slow and laborious process.

Do not think that after reconciliation, the wife will do everything herself, and the relationship will be beautiful again. It will not happen. We need to work on the restoration of the family together, there are no other options. What does this mean? This means that you have to revise your daily life. It is early to come home from work, to drink beer with friends less often and to devote more time to my wife - to go with her to the cinema, to the theater, just to walk in the evening before going to bed. Be sure to take on some of the responsibilities for raising children. It is they who have the magical ability to form the attitude of their mother to the man whom they value and love. If you are not ready for this, do not even try to throw all the responsibility for the relationship on the head of the guilty wife.

Take the above-described practice of Maslow, which probably helped you in the first days and weeks after the personal drama into service with the two of you. Do creative acts together - make repairs in the kitchen together, try to diversify your love life.

What can be done if the wife has changed, it is difficult to say.The answer depends on how the man was brought up, what family he grew up in, what examples in the face of his parents he saw, what books he read. But with a list of what can not be done, every man in this situation must be familiarized in order not to aggravate the situation.

• Get into alcoholic "anesthesia". Mental pain increases in proportion to the amount of alcohol, remember this in the most difficult moments.
• To devalue all women, to become cynical towards them. Whether you forgave your wife or not - other women are not guilty of anything. Think of the wives of the Decembrists, of Juliet, of the hundreds of thousands of Soviet women who were waiting for their husbands from the front. Negative mood will diminish.
• To humiliate the wife. It doesn't matter if you leave or stay, just respect her as you do. Do not humiliate and dictate terms.
• Dissolve hands, even if you really want to slap the second half. Neither honor nor man's dignity in the universal human sense of the word will add it to you.
• To set up against the wife (or ex-wife) children, parents, mutual friends, to form a negative opinion about her. No one needs to know about just the two of you. Let everything remain your secret.
• Do not lose self-esteem, if you could not save the marriage or there is nothing to save.

About whether to forgive treason or not, see the following video.