How to let go of the insult and forgive a person?

Everyone has heard that learning to forgive is very important and necessary. But it’s one thing to talk about the necessity and benefits of forgiveness, and quite another to learn to forgive in reality. Everyone who has tried it at least once knows that forgiveness is very difficult, laborious and does not always work out on the first try. You should be aware of the main difficulties of this process and own some useful techniques that will help you achieve results.

Psychology to this question has only one truthful answer, which is beyond doubt. Deep, strong, bitter, shallow - absolutely any insult can and should be forgiven. Even what a person considers a betrayal, something that at first seems unbelievable, breaks life into “before” and “after”. Another question is whether a person wants to forgive? Unfortunately, it is completely useless to convince many people to persuade, persuade and intimidate with the dangers of long-standing insults to life and health. They do not want to part with their grievances, they are not disposed to forgive anyone. The years go by, the grievances are growing and multiplying, the person diligently “fattens” them in the soul. Then he falls ill, fails, gets in trouble. Again does not draw conclusions and continues to "feed" the insult. This will continue until it absorbs it entirely - oncology, death.

Forgiveness gives you the opportunity to free yourself, to free the other. Getting rid of resentment - how to get rid of a heavy load and easily go further. If you choose such a path, you will have to try to master all the wisdom of forgiveness. Very often, people are embarrassed to forgive, afraid to be known as soft-bodied, toothless. There are certain social dogmas that say, for example, that it is impossible to forgive a betrayed wife, because once he betrayed, he betrayed again that enemies who encroached on the most sacred are unworthy of forgiveness. Under the influence of dogma, a person refuses even to admit the thought of forgiveness. But if you drop all the conventions and dogmas, then you will easily understand that all the sins they narrate can also be forgiven.

It is not necessary to tell everyone and the offender that you have forgiven him, you do not need to demonstrate your generosity, it may look like posturing. Moreover, such forgiveness for show is not always true, sincere. It is enough to forgive the other person in the soul, to release the load within oneself. That is what we need to learn. Resentment - one of the complex feelings. It consists of anger, disappointment, insult and pity for one’s person and is a response to an event, a person, an act, words that contradict our expectations.

The man thinks that he was unjustly offended, he pities himself, he is outraged and depressed. Irreversible circumstances, when nothing can be changed already, cause the most powerful, deep insults. These include the facts of adultery, betrayal, childhood resentment towards parents. Return and replay these situations can not. But you can change your attitude towards them. No human being is born with the ability to feel resentment. Newborns do not know how to be offended. Psychologists attribute to innate emotions only fear. By careless actions of a baby can be frightened, physical pain can be inflicted, but it is impossible to offend the baby.

Before you learn the ability to forgive, it is important to be able to identify the types of resentment. She is demonstrative and hidden. The first is the reaction that a person needs to achieve something. It is also called manipulative. So children force parents to buy a toy or give sweets. So often women and girls are offended. She is always on display. The second one is very dangerous, because a person hides it, closes it, and experiences it hard, not trying to change anything.

Grievances can be directed at a specific person (husband, wife, friend), a group of people (colleagues, ethnic groups, all women or all officials), the whole world, higher powers, fate, and the most. The most difficult in the process of understanding and forgiveness are the insults on themselves, the world, the higher forces and all kinds of hidden, carefully hidden insults.

If you are offended, it means only one thing: not someone from the outside came and offended you, but you yourself allowed yourself such a response. This means that you have created an insult yourself. You and eliminate it. To understand why this happens, you need to know how insult arises. The mechanism of complex feeling is very simple, it does not depend on whether someone wanted to offend you or everything happened spontaneously. The basis of the insult is always the actual discrepancy between your expectations and reality. Psychoanalysts identify four basic actions that a person performs in the mind for a fraction of seconds before experiencing an insult:

• the creation of illusions, expectations (how a person should act, what the world should give us, how everything should be, so that it completely suits us);
• observation of reality (how events actually evolve);
• comparison of expectations and reality, the detection of differences between the first and second;
• a conscious decision to give feedback on the discrepancies found.

It makes no difference what type or type of insult is developing. The described mechanism is equally fair and accurate for any situation: be it a family quarrel and an insult on a particular person or a social conflict and an insult on a whole team of people. At any of the four stages, a person can take control of the situation, and then resentment will not happen. The ability to decompose any offensive situation into four stages - the right start to work on your negative feelings. These four actions help to better understand how and why the offensive situation occurred, why you are tormented by an unpleasant feeling.

Now, knowing that the insult is just your reaction, which exists only in your consciousness and nowhere else, you can begin to take responsibility for this destructive feeling and try to release it. Is the husband to blame for being offended by his wife? No, because she decided to take offense herself. Is life ever unfair, giving money and good work to one and not giving it to another? No, because the decision to take offense at the life of a man made himself. Anger, disappointment and other emotional nuances that accompany our experiences when we decide to take offense are also ours, personal, and we can deal with them. Understanding this usually reduces the level of claims. The understanding comes that it is not so necessary to wait until the offender is ripe for an apology: they are not necessary.

In addition to the avengers, who do not know how to forgive anyone and nothing, in principle, there are people whom experts in the field of psychology refer to the category of pseudo-forgiving. Such people, although they say “forgive,” are in fact, in the depths of their hearts, we all remember and are ready at any moment to reproduce the insult and throw out anger at the offender. If you are determined to learn to forgive, get rid of negative feelings, then the work on internal errors can not be avoided.It is possible to cope with a grievance only after it has been lived, adopted, analyzed with mathematical precision. After that, you can let go of the insult, get rid of it, remove from the soul that which is so tangible.

Work on yourself will not be easy and enjoyable. You may have to learn something new and unpleasant about yourself. But the deliverance is worth it. To begin with, we will evaluate the four mental thinking processes that take place before experiencing a grievance and will honestly answer a few questions.

• What were my expectations? Why were they like that? Was there any reason to build such illusions?
• Why did a person act exactly as he did in reality? What were his motives? What did he want? Did he know about my expectations?
• Were the differences between expectations and reality that I found so objective?
• Why do I need a grievance created by me: I want the abuser to change his actions, I want to get something, I want to end the relationship with a person completely, and the resentment is needed as an excuse?

Think about the fact that for any offense is your demand. It can be ridiculous, unreasonable, dishonest, overpriced. No one in the world is obliged to meet someone's expectations. To cope with the unpleasant feeling, literally poisoning your life now, forgive the offender will be much easier if you give honest answers to these questions. Consider a few common situations and ways out of the offended state.

Despite the fact that the spouse or loved one promised to make you happy, he is still a separate person. He has his own interests, plans, views and opinions. He promised you happiness, but did not say that happiness is in your hands. Will you maintain a relationship with a man after his actions that have deceived your expectations and demands, or prefer to give up, does not affect forgiveness.

It is necessary to forgive in any case: it is necessary not for him, but for you, in order to live further with a light heart and a normal state of health. Think of the good that is characteristic of this person: pleasant events and moments, situations in which a person discovered his best sides. Put yourself mentally in his place and try to identify his true motives. Having realized them, thank the person for all the beautiful things that happened and release the insult. Exhale her. Forbid her from returning. Perhaps it will not work the first time, but it will definitely work.

Resentment of children in parents are very common, and they are usually incredibly strong and destructive. The raised child lives its own life, pays less attention to the mother or father than before, and this is not surprising. If you take a piece of paper and a pencil and honestly write down the answers to all the suggested questions, then it’s likely that it’s not the daughter or the son who is to blame, but the desire to still hold the child’s hand, control his life. The requirement is unreasonable, because the child has grown and is now ready to hold the hand of his own children.

Motives of the son and the daughter can be very creative: work, study, creation of own family. Most children, moreover, do not know what exactly the parents are building up in their heads.

Tell your child that you would like to see him more often, that you need his help. Discard unrealistic and outdated installations and expectations-requirements. Remember the good: how the daughter took the first steps, and the son brought his first five. Mentally bless the child, let go of the insult, let love into your heart. A great way to psychotherapy at home is a family photo album: it allows you to go back mentally to a good past, to visualize the positive.

Relationships with colleagues can be of varying degrees of tension. When working with such offenses, it is very important to immediately determine whether you are offended by someone in particular or on your entire workforce. In any case, follow the scheme.Analyze: what did you actually expect from your colleagues? How should they treat you? What should have been done for you? How to proceed? Did they know about your internal requirements? How reasonable are these requirements and do they affect the interests of others?

A simple example: you are offended that a colleague dumped all the work on you on the eve of the New Year holidays, while she herself asked for help in order to buy gifts for children. First, she does not know what requirements you have for her behavior. Secondly, she has strong motives: gifts to children. And finally, your colleague rescued you more than once when you had to leave your job. Remember? Mentally thank your insult for your life lesson, wish a colleague to successfully choose gifts and release the insult.

Similarly, you need to disassemble and conflict situations in the team. For any conflict, there is a mismatch of expectations: the team expected one from you, and you acted differently, you waited for something specific from your colleagues, and they did the opposite. After determining the motives and positive traits of each of the colleagues, it is important to let go of the insult. And only after that decide whether to work in a team further or just leave a place and find another job. Whatever the decision, it is important to forgive.

Important: in any situation, with any offense, remember that this feeling cannot be hidden, left unworked, it is impossible to fight and deny it. It will not bring relief and creates the danger of anger accumulation and self-pity, which can cause the development of somatic diseases. When working with each offense you need:

• recognize the fact of having a feeling;
• take responsibility for the offense solely on themselves;
• divide it into four parts;
• replace all negative in the analysis with positive feelings.

In psychotherapeutic practice, several methods of working with grievances are widely used.

This method was developed in 1993 by Professor Yuri Orlov. Sanogenic is called a healthy mindset. The method describes how to achieve forgiveness by replacing pathogenic thoughts with healthy, positive ones. According to this method, teachers work today, her theses are studied by medical students so that they can be used in medical practice, it is recommended to everyone who works with convicts and people with disabilities. The method includes the following steps:

• self-observation (writing in a notebook of daily thoughts, description of feelings, the more the better);
• determination of the validity and nature of their claims and expectations;
• assessment of reality and assessment of the nature of the offense.

The task is to visually show the difference between expectations and reality and learn how to replace negative with positive in reality.

This method was created in the last century by Soviet psychiatrists to help overcome stress and resentment to people who have been subjected to violence for a long time were in a traumatic situation. Today, the method is widely used to establish the psychosomatic causes of cancer, overweight, obesity, and cardiovascular diseases. A person is invited to draw his insult. It makes no difference whether he can draw well or not at all. Drawing allows you to bring out from the inner world that which a person usually suppresses and hides.

Be sure to record or voice the answers to certain questions.

• Where did she settle (in the head, in the heart, in the kidneys, in the stomach or elsewhere)?
• What sizes does it have (big or small)?
• What is its structure (it is liquid and overflows, solid and stuck, like a cloud of gas and almost weightless)?
• Is it cold or hot?
• Does it have color and smell? What color is it, what does it smell like?
• How old is she (how long has she appeared)?
• Why does it escalate, in what circumstances does this happen?
• Why does it exist? What is its purpose and task?
• What advantages does it give (maybe it protects from communication with someone unpleasant or dangerous)?
• What will be the offense (holiday, feast, farewell on the platform)?
• What will settle in this place instead of her? Determine the positive feeling that should live where there was an insult.

Particularly dwell on the last paragraph. Create a psychological anchor. For example, imagine a big and yellow fragrant orange that you were given as a child on New Year's Eve. Every time the resentment returns, reproduce its smell and image. Gradually, an orange and a feeling of joy supplant negative traces of insult. Figure with a portrait of the offense burn or tear at the end of work.

A popular and very effective technique that is based on talking frankly with the abuser. But instead of it, there will be an empty chair or stool opposite you. You can throw out anger and offense in the literal sense of the word: shout at him, kick him with a foot, spit at him. Having lived through negative feelings, you can say goodbye to them.

Letting go of the past is much easier if all the details of the insult are worked out. Gather a lawsuit. Speak prosecutor: name all the crimes of the offender, accuse him. Speak a lawyer: protect the offender, acquit. Become a judge: weigh the arguments and decide to forget.

For information on how to let go of the insult and forgive a person, see the next video.