Everything you wanted to know about narcissism

There is an opinion that we live in the era of daffodils. Practically each of us is subject to self-admiration or self-flagellation to a different extent, and these are realities of public life. Parents strive to have brilliant children, young people dream of achieving success, making a fortune, becoming famous, women want to have an ideal appearance. Modern culture and education encourage this behavior. This material is about what modern psychology puts into the concept of narcissism and where the line is between healthy self-esteem, a desire to express oneself, to gain recognition and a pathology that destroys life.

One of the myths of ancient Greece tells about the sad fate of a young man named Narcissus. Nature gave the young man a beautiful appearance. The forest nymph Echo had the misfortune to love a handsome man. He was absorbed in his own person and neglected the feelings of an innocent creature. Unrequited love destroyed the girl. The goddess Aphrodite, in anger, severely punished the self-lover, forcing him to fall madly in love with her own reflection in the pond. Seeing himself in the mirror smooth surface, he could not tear his eyes away from the perfect face and turned into a narcissus flower.

The term came into use in the early twentieth century. In 1913, English physician and psychologist Ernest Jones wrote a book, “The Complex of God,” in which he analyzes the behavior of people fantasizing about absolute power, God-likeness. His patients are emotionally inaccessible personalities striving for fame and inadequate social status.

Finally, Sigmund Freud introduced the term “narcissism” into psychology in 1914 when creating the theory of psychoanalysis. Initially, the psychoanalyst understood this as a sexual perversion, in which the child, taking the place of his mother in dreams, gives herself her love. However, later came to the conclusion that this is the stage of psychosexual personality development. According to his observations, all children at an early age have a bright and strong feeling of love for themselves. The natural and harmonious experience of this stage leads to the further development of a full-fledged person.

Issues of narcissism in the modern sense has developed an outstanding Austrian scholar Otto Kernberg. He identified three types of this mental state: mature narcissism, infantile and pathological. The subject of his research was the borderline states of the psyche, pathological narcissism and psychopathy.

Heinz Kohut and Nancy McWilliams, psychoanalysts, made a significant contribution to the study of the problem and made a detailed description of the narcissistic nature.

Narcissism is a mental state, the essence of which consists in the hypertrophied love of a person in himself, his body, personality and an obsession to receive recognition of this from others. Narcissism in varying degrees is inherent in any person. So, a person may like the results of his work, he may consider himself outwardly attractive or gifted in some area of ​​life. This is normal. But admiration for oneself can take on a painful form and cause suffering to a person and his environment. In psychiatry, narcissism is understood as a serious personality disorder requiring treatment.

Narcissus is difficult to communicate with people. He is not able to build harmonious relationships. With a vain man, fixated on his uniqueness, selfish hard to be friends, to love, to cooperate.

In this case, daffodils are successful in social terms and implemented in the works. Among the brilliant people of the planet there are quite a few figures with pronounced symptoms of a narcissistic personality.

Narcissus is characterized by the following signs.

• Excessive sense of self-worth, uniqueness and desire to become the most outstanding in any field.
• Unreal fantasies, the subject of which may be wealth, power, perfect appearance or beautiful love.
• The exaltation and presentation of their merits and achievements in bright light, many of which can be simply made up. At the same time, there is a concentration of attention on the negative sides of others, ridicule in its favor, in extreme cases - up to insult.
• Waiting for admiration from others and the desire to attract increased attention. In daffodil causes confusion and bewilderment, when this does not happen in life.

• Feeling of inner emptiness. It happens that from such a person breathes indifference and rejection. Next time you want to avoid close communication. Arrogance, the ability to withdraw or complete contact at any time, distrust - this is what close people have to face when surrounded by narcissus.
• Idealization and instant devaluation of another personhis merit and labor. Convincing reasons for the first and second daffodils are not needed. Having cast down the subject of former admiration from the pedestal, he immediately finds another ideal, which the same fate awaits.
• Fear of feeling shame. High self-esteem, perfectionism does not give him the right to mistake and weakness. Realizing that in real life does not correspond to his transcendental ideals, he sees himself as insignificant and bad. He has a deep sense of shame about this. And in difficult moments of life, sensitivity to humiliation and a sense of shame is exacerbated.

• Envy - a character trait that takes on a chronic form in narcissus. Narcissus may find that he lacks something in life, and others have it. Unjustifiably criticizing, expressing pity and contempt, he may try to destroy the object of envy. Such people envy what they want, but they receive it and immediately depreciate it.
• Non-recognition of negative feelings. He considers himself an object of envy and intrigue. In his eyes, people should be ashamed of unworthy thoughts and behavior towards him. Inclined to blame others for their failures.

• Lack of reaction to criticism. The slightest attempt by others to make a narcissus remark may cause him fear or aggression. Any negative utterance deeply hurts. He remembers, he scrolls the painful moment in his head many times, mentally argues, proves the opposite. Perceives as a personal offense, requires repentance, refutation, restoration of justice.

• Lack of compassion for people. The world of narcissus revolves around its desires and needs. He takes the care of others for granted and does not seek to thank and respond in kind. In the gusts of the soul can show mercy and immediately begin to be proud of his kindness.
• State polarity. The feeling of shame, insignificance, own insolvency and falsehood is replaced by self-sufficiency, superiority, vanity.
• Striving for rivalry. Daffodils love to compete and unknowingly arouse this desire among people around them. Therefore, for them it is important that they are surrounded by people by some criteria worse than them. Victory is another reason to demonstrate to others about their superiority.Constantly compare themselves with others. In the light version do it mentally. People who have noticed this trait suffer greatly. After all, this quality of character does not comply with moral standards. In extreme forms, a person does not endure someone else’s success next to him, responds in a condescending tone, scoffs and smarts behind his back, annoyed in relationships.

• Disappointment in people. In this way he protects himself from intimate relationships, which in the subconscious act as pain, trauma.
• Deep indifference to the problems of other people in the team. He honors attention only exceptional, in his opinion, qualitatively superior to all other personalities. To the sorrows of loved ones, too, indifferent. Personal life and professional success of friends and acquaintances do not bother him. These little things of life and life are not worthy of his attention.

People of both sexes are equally susceptible to narcissism, although it is believed that this problem is more common in men.

The main task of a male narcissus is to achieve recognition in the eyes of others. It strives for achievements in financial terms, in career, social status. However, even from the most outstanding results of satisfaction and happiness does not feel. Ambitions push to conquer new heights. With external success, relationships do not stick. There is no emotional contact with others. For a woman with disdain. The whole world is only for him alone. Is always right. Does what he wants is not considered with the opinion of loved ones.

Such a man is unable to build strong family relationships. Families are often destroyed. Children suffer the most from the negative influence of their father.

The feeling of inner emptiness is increasing over the years. A crisis is possible by the age of 35-40 years, and only a specialist can help out of this pathological condition.

Female narcissism manifests itself in relationships with children. They are strict and unreasonably demanding. Make children meet their heightened expectations. Strive for high ideals. Their joy, warmth, simplicity are discounted. In relations with loved ones - alienation and coldness. Nervous breakdowns on children and feelings of guilt in front of them alternate with each other. Unconsciously, such mothers force the child to abandon their own needs, desires and feelings, and fulfill the needs of adults and support their self-esteem.

As husbands, narcissus women choose caring, gentle men who are despised for their weak will. The natural desire of such women is to live at the expense of others. Men, in their understanding, are a fat wallet, a means to satisfy their many needs. The union of two daffodils - men and women, is unlikely to be durable. The constant struggle of the characters and competition with each other absolutely in everything sooner or later get bored, and the marriage will disintegrate.

In narcissism, you can see the positive features. Constant striving for achievements allows us to implement truly grandiose and large-scale ideas for the benefit of society. Envy is an excellent motivator for specific active steps towards your goal. Dependence on the assessment and opinions of others allows you to be an attentive listener and be aware of all the events and trends. However, the absence of a feeling of inner happiness and fullness of life is the price that the narcissus brings to the altar of self-love.

In psychology, there are two main types of narcissism: constructive and destructive.

Constructive narcissism is inherent in a mature personality. Such a person has adequate self-esteem, sets and achieves interesting goals for himself, feels the fullness of life, loves and enjoys relationships. This is a normal healthy form based on self-esteem and acceptance of oneself and others as they are. Confidence in behavior, awareness of their true needs and desires, freedom from other people's opinions are signs of a healthy love for oneself.

In companions of life chooses a person according to his liking, and not to please relatives or social standards. A loved one is an object of love and friendship, and not a means to achieve selfish goals. Healthy narcissism allows you to find a balance between the satisfaction of their aspirations and needs in relation to others.

Destructive narcissism is a mental personality disorder. People walking on the path to maturity may not yet have an adequate and holistic view of themselves as individuals, depend on the opinions of others, do not feel self-sufficient, be passive and compliant in life. This is deficient narcissism, which is not a pathology.

If you observe a person’s abnormal love for oneself and at the same time contempt for other people, here you can talk about a diagnosis. Destructive narcissism can take on varying degrees of severity. The most dangerous is malignant narcissism. Its manifestations:

• obsession with oneself;
• a state of grandeur, alternating with bouts of defenselessness;
• recklessness;
• over-ambitiousness;
• pathological dependence on the admiration of others;
• propensity to exploit other people;
• lack of empathy and loyalty to other people;
• greed, greed, forcible appropriation of others;
• the position of a man to whom everyone needs everything.

These people are sullen, depressive. Ignore and violate the rights of other people. They may have delusions, be suspicious, suspicious. Their ideas about the world and people are distorted in a negative direction. Often demonstrate rage, anger. An aggressive psychopathic commandment controls the inner world of their loved ones. Not able to understand what hurt relatives.

The most serious form of the disease takes when a person receives satisfaction from emotional violence, trying to assert himself at the expense of others. Externally, the conflict may not be manifested, but the result may be sad for the other side: from depression to attempted suicide.

Other daffodils can be shy and restless. Shyness, timidity, sexual inhibition hide under a dream of their own greatness and grandeur. Fear forfeits these illusions prevents them from acting, so that those around them do not destroy them.

Narcissism can also manifest itself in chaotic promiscuous sexual relationships and inability to love. So men are born with a complex of Don Juan, a macho man. In the female form, he takes the form of fatal cold impregnable beauties.

By narcissism sometimes masochism can be added. Such personalities see themselves as the greatest martyrs, constantly being in unhappy, aggressive relationships. The experience of suffering gives them the right to feel superior to all others.

Those suffering from this disease have a weak value system. With the loss of loved ones, it is difficult for them to express sadness, burn and mourn the departure of a dear person. Outbreaks are replaced by boredom, irritation. Hurt another or commit an unlawful act of his can not stop the feeling of guilt before the victim, and the fear of being caught and get punished.

Complication can be addiction or parasitism - the desire to use people who can help them or the state. Unemployed daffodils proposal to get a job can be outraged.

The roots of the problem go back to earlier childhood. In a harmonious family, the appearance of a child causes joy. In the first months of life, parents towards him experience unconditional love. All manifestations of the baby cause delight and emotion. He becomes the center of mom's life for a while. Meeting his needs is of paramount importance.Over time, the world of the child expands. He realizes: there are people around with whom it is also necessary to share the love and attention of the mother. So baby learns to love.

Mom is the first teacher of love. The coldness of the mother, the lack of empathy, warmth, attention already in infancy forms the pathological features of narcissism. The desire to fill the shortage of maternal love and tenderness will pursue such a person in adult years. He will imagine himself as a universal center, while hiding pain and anger, he will idealize his parents.

Another reason for the development of narcissism is the early assessment of children. The child receives an assessment, becomes attached to the concepts of “good” - “bad”. Parents reward their child with love and attention only for success. And in the future, his whole life will be set to get high points. When a child is not given an understanding that he is valuable by himself, but requires constant proof, a narcissistic trauma occurs.

Narcissistic mom or the same dad raise a young narcissus with their image and likeness. The baby is not recognized as a separate person, but only serves as a means for satisfying their needs and fulfilling desires. Properties of character, temperament of the child are not accepted. Feelings, needs, desires are ignored. It is believed that they are not. Personality is impaired. The kid has to be constantly on the verge of rejection. In trying to survive, to get a bit of warmth and a sense of intimacy, the child, imitating his parents, begins to devalue and reject the part of himself that his parents condemn and try to eradicate.

In such an environment, a narcissistic person is not always formed. The trail of such upbringing in character can be manifested in a particular sensitivity to shame, difficulties in maintaining boundaries in a relationship. Individuals with narcissistic trauma, like narcissuses, tend to exert excessive efforts to maintain a sense of self-worth or to submit to others without a murmur, fearing a flash of anger and aggression.

Excessive love and admiration of parents for their children can sow narcissistic traits in the character of the baby. Since childhood, they can exalt, praise. Adults are afraid that an inferiority complex will develop, especially if the child very clearly showed his talent or the parents are obsessed with the idea of ​​the genius of their child. Often in such families grow pseudogenic.

Excessive parental care and permissiveness can also be a breeding ground for the disease.

If you have noticed some signs of narcissism, the best advice is to contact a specialist you trust. An experienced psychotherapist will help to identify the origins of the problem and resolve it in a shorter time than you yourself will deal with it.

A huge plus is cultivating healthy self-esteem. Accepting your negative character traits and at the same time recognizing your uniqueness and your talents will allow you to form an adequate opinion about yourself and stop depending on word of mouth. Self-development, meditation, participation in group trainings will help in this.

As a painful disorder, narcissism requires serious treatment. Psychologists and psychiatrists use a certain technique to determine the degree of narcissism. This is a test of 163 statements, each of which must be accepted or rejected. As a result, you can determine the level on an 18-point scale.

For a narcissus, the hardest thing to realize is that he is a mediocre person. Neither great nor insignificant, but ordinary, to which nothing mortal is alien. The big problem is for him to realize himself, his own “I” without illusions and fantasies about his own personality. He does not know who he really is.

A large role in healing will be played by the patient’s environment during treatment and the quality of support that will be provided to him. A person needs to get experience without judging judgment. He can do shameful things, he thinks. It is very important that at such moments there is a person who calmly, with warmth and tenderness, will perceive him, without condemnation, without punishing, without blaming and causing him a sense of shame. Receiving such attention, he will feel safety, protection and will begin to unfold.

There will come the realization that contact with another person can be enjoyable. You can enjoy pleasure and joy from warm friendly and romantic relationships. In other words, the therapist and relatives will need to give the patient something that the mother could not give in her childhood. Of course, when healing from narcissism, it is not necessary to give up the pursuit of great deeds, but the obsession with them will go away and the person will find a balance within himself.

There is another approach to the treatment of the disease. Not always the patient can immediately recognize his diagnosis. Therefore, a direct conversation about narcissism in relation to himself may not give results.

In the inner world of such people, most often there is a significant adult: mom, dad, spouse, whose character has narcissistic inclinations. It is much more effective to begin treatment with healing the patient’s relationship with such a person. The specialist will have to teach the patient to distinguish pathological features, narcissistic manipulations resorted to by a close person, and to interact with him in a healthier manner.

Treatment of pathological narcissism requires long-term therapy, and it may not be possible to completely get rid of the disease.

Narcissus - deeply lonely people, they live a life in suffering. The more conscious the choice in favor of a full and happy life and the intention to go this way hand in hand with a specialist, the greater the chances of success.

It is worth saying a few words about the prevention of the disease. Everyone knows that it is easier to prevent the disease than to treat it. Since the problem comes from childhood, it is necessary to form a healthy self-esteem in a future adult from an early age.

With regard to their children, parents are important:

• to maintain their self-esteem and independence from the opinions of others around children;
• allow the child to cry and show negative emotions;
• confess to a child in love just like that, without focusing on beauty, talent or deed;
• to express approval for really worthy behavior or result, not very often and without exaggeration;
• give the child the knowledge that he will live in a society, while the society will not live for him.

If there is a person with vivid signs of narcissism in your environment, be it a colleague, a boss, a relative, here are some tips that will help to interact with such a person.

The habit of narcissus devalue, criticize, ridicule can unpleasantly annoy. The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to not pay attention to it and improve your skills in the area of ​​attention. Concentration on the development of their abilities, an adequate assessment of their merits and successes will minimize the destructive impact of the narcissus.

The behavior of the daffodil can be mirrored. Tell him about your achievements, knowledge and skills, where you are really strong. Perhaps, so you rise in his eyes and will communicate on equal terms.

Narcissus is not always a despot and tyrant. It can be nice and pleasant people. Whatever they are, the best thing you can do for yourself and for them is to accept them as they are, while remaining yourself. This is especially true of close people with whom they have blood ties.

Communicating with a malignant daffodil surrounded should be avoided. His manipulations and aggressive attitude with prolonged communication can have a destructive and exhausting effect on you.

The feeling of dependence on this kind of person is a signal to go through therapy yourself and get rid of such a person’s control over his inner world. Especially if the manipulator is a close person. To tolerate, forgive and reconcile with the situation will not bring relief, will not heal anyone and will not resolve the situation. Everyone deserves love, care and respect for themselves.

And in conclusion - about one surprising fact. Scientists investigated the causes of narcissism at the level of anatomy and found a difference in the volume of gray matter, the state of the cerebral cortex and nerve cells in a narcissistic and healthy person. The gray matter of a healthy person is greater, and the differences found in the brain, responsible for the feeling of compassion and empathy. From this we can conclude that the key to successful healing of the patient lies in teaching him the ability to love.

For more on narcissism, see the following video.