How to return a loved one after breaking up?

Problems and misunderstandings between men and women can lead to quarrels, feelings, and even separation. But it happens that after some time, when thoughts come in order, there is a desire to return the relationship. Whether it is necessary to do it, how to do it and what to pay attention to, tells this material.

To understand, and whether it is necessary to reanimate relations and develop a plan of action, it is important to accurately understand and be aware of the true reason for separation. Even if the partner said before leaving that he fell out of love with you, it is quite possible that this is actually not the case, and the reason was more mundane, but pretty boring little things, such as your unwillingness to look after yourself or some kind of habit with which the partner I could not reconcile. Not only do you think and analyze what happened after the break, the partner, believe me, does the same. If you think sensibly, and after parting it does not work immediately, but only some time later, you can understand that for any parting the responsibility of the two.

Not all relationships can be returned. More precisely, they can be returned, but they will not be the same as before. If you are lucky, relationships will even improve. Faced with a real loss to each other, the partners will start to treat the second half more carefully and not allow more negative situations. If you are unlucky, the relationship will be worse. In fact, the point is not luck, but how accurately and correctly you will analyze the situation at this stage.

First you need to try to get out of my head all the insulting words that a partner might have said at parting. They will now only spoil the picture of what happened. We reread "Little Prince" Exupery, write out a quote that "vigilantly alone heart" and proceed to the "debriefing."

It is worth noting the most frequent causes of separation.

• Loss of trust. This is the most difficult situation in which the very basis of the relationship between two people collapses. It will be incredibly difficult to restore trust, and in most cases it is impossible at all. Cheating, jealousy, unkept promises - all this is a heavy burden on the perception of the identity of another person.
• Lack of common and unified goals. A rather common reason is when partners are tired of convincing each other, simply making the decision to go on different roads, or one of the spouses or lovers makes such a decision. Despite the seeming catastrophic events that happened, reconciliation is very likely in this situation, it is possible, and the couple has every chance to live a long and happy life together. Only one thing is needed: for one or both to learn to find a compromise or to obey the decision of a partner. There is no third.
• Rudeness, violence - this is a good reason. Psychologists and criminologists ascertain that the beating that once happened is 95% repeated, and not even once.A person can repent, beg for forgiveness, burn with shame, promise “never again”, but statistics are statistics and we will not go into it. You can make peace if you are a victim, is it worth it - it's up to you.
• Psychological suppression, control is also a form of violence. Everything said above applies equally to psychological pressure. If a partner could afford to insult you, criticize constantly, frightened, blackmailed, was overly zealous, manipulated, did not give the right to vote and tried to restrict your communication with your relatives, friends, friends, then something would be very difficult to correct. After you return, the situation may become even more difficult.

• Disappointment. Everything is simple: the reality was not the same as you imagined, the partner did not show the qualities that you ascribed to him in your illusions. Relationships can be restored, but only after you get rid of unnecessary and high expectations and accept a person not as you need, but as he is in reality.
• Addictions - drugs, alcohol, gambling and others. Decide for yourself, but the situations where the separation prompted the partner to go and receive treatment are rare. More often only empty promises sound.
• Boredom, addictive, routine. Oddly enough, but the parting, even for a short time, can bring the very diversity that your relationship has lacked so much lately. After reunion, feelings can flare up with a new force. The main thing is that parting and reconciliation do not become a habit, then relations will develop only according to the pathological type and very soon become a usual dependence in thrills, and with each parting sensations will become increasingly dulled.
• Quarrels over financial problems and misunderstandings. If this reason was the only one (which is rare), then reunification is possible provided that the partners reconsider their financial relationships and responsibilities.
• Breaking the bond (sexual dissatisfaction, emotional “vacuum”). This is a reason for correction, but it is difficult and only with a strong mutual desire of partners to get close again.

Some people think that the reason for parting was treason or petty quarrel over domestic trivia. This is not true. Treason or scandal were due to the reasons described above. That is why it is important to evaluate not the act of a loved one, not what he said or did just before he or you slammed the door, but what reasons led to it. That is what will help to understand if relations still have prospects or whether they are better left in the past and start a new life.

Before answering this difficult question, it is important to know that in the process of adapting to parting with a person who was once important to you, or maybe important now, there is a stage that psychologists call the stage of deceiving hopes. This means that a person after insult and anger, bewilderment one fine day, there is a desire to stop all his suffering, reunited with his former partner. And here begins the trips to the fortunetellers and the search for a quick and one hundred percent way to return the beloved (favorite). At this stage, psychologists recommend not taking any active actions and diligently controlling their desires to write a message, call or make a request to a partner for work. Everybody goes through this stage, even those whose love has long been lost, as well as those who understand with their minds that returning turn his life into real hell and chaos.

The desire to return a person at this stage is not caused by strong love, as I think almost everything, but by elementary fears - the fear of being alone, the fear of not finding your happiness, the fear of the future. When this stage passes, the person will have the answer to the main question - is it true that he still loves and really wants to return the relationship. To return a loved one is a difficult, but not a hopeless undertaking. But to live with this person a long and happy life is another matter.

To answer the question of whether to revive a relationship, it is important to know what the loved one thinks about it. If he does not even want to communicate, do not annoy him. Annoying "ex" can be very sophisticated and inventive, but such a resourcefulness has not yet saved any marriage or union. Well, if a partner offered to part beautifully and effectively went to another, try to maintain your own dignity as effectively. We will have to admit and understand that nothing in the future with this man will be the same as before: even if he throws another and returns to you, how will you interact further, knowing that there was another woman between you. Trust is not returned. The question arises whether it is worth spending your precious time on a person with whom happiness is no longer to be built. It's time to calm down, pull yourself together and after a while, when you are psychologically and emotionally ready, start a new relationship.

It is not necessary to persuade the one who persistently insists that your union "will not succeed." Leave him alone. Just accept it, because the partner is most likely not lying. Good just will not work. Signs of pathological relationships that are not worth starting up again, so as not to get worse, were indicated above. Therefore, determining the cause of separation again helps to understand whether it is worth saving feelings or saving yourself.

To make it easier for you to understand why the wisdom that “you cannot enter the water twice” is still alive, it is worthwhile to cite the following mean statistical facts:

• 15% of people converge again after a divorce;
• 20% of them say that the relationship after separation has become better;
• almost 35% of them regret that they have returned a relationship that now brings only negative and bitterness.

We have come to the important part of the conversation - how to take the very first step towards, if you still decided to try to save the relationship. To begin, forgive your partner for all that he has done and forgive yourself if you have a feeling of your own guilt. Without sincere and honest forgiveness, no continuation of the relationship can be expected. Return necessarily implies a complete lack of complaints and grievances.

If you are a man, it's easier for you to make a phone call. Women with this often have problems because of the fear of rejection. Choose a time to call, convenient for your partner. You should not call in the morning when a person is stuck in a traffic jam or rushing to work, do not call during the working day, this may be inappropriate. Too late call can wake a person, he is unlikely to be able to quickly understand why and why you called. Call when a person has free time, when he is resting, relaxed.

Do not get drunk for courage or call under the pretext of "I am on the case." Immediately and honestly, tell the other person as well as possible that you regret what happened and would like to fix it. If a person expresses a reciprocal consent, make an appointment and talk about their feelings in person. By phone, these issues are not solved. If a person does not want to hear about reconciliation, politely thank him for all the good things that you had during the time spent together, once again express your regrets (briefly) and say goodbye.

To call you need a lot of courage. About your decision to try to renew the relationship is much easier to communicate in writing. You can write it in a text message, in the messenger or social networks. There are big originals who prefer the most important messages in their life to send in the form of a paper letter to the mailing address. Choose yourself, but remember that nothing is decided by correspondence either, although it is easier for a man and a girl to express her thoughts in writing, and the wording is more accurate and deliberate.

In the letter, do not recall the cause of the quarrel, do not try to hurt or prick, soften. The most unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation are always accompanied by just such mistakes ("Although you did not do well ...", "Though you are a reptile, but I love you," "I feel very bad without you, I die"). The first two formulations are puzzling, and the third is pity. Neither insult nor pity contribute to the emergence of a reciprocal desire to reconcile.

Be natural, write that you revised a lot and realized that you would like to meet and talk, that you remember all the good things that happened between you (“I like to remember how you acted then,” “I am pleased to think that you have done for me” ). At the end of the message, leave the partner a choice. Do not write where and when your meeting should take place for a crucial conversation, ask him to determine the time and place and inform you. The advice of a psychologist in case he does not respond is similar to the situation with the reluctance to speak on the phone. Knowing that you are waiting for an answer, a person will have only two choices - to answer or not to answer, thereby denoting that for him the prospects for a relationship does not exist.

This is not the best solution, in any case, for adults and psychologically mature people. Already at least for the reason that discuss the subtleties of your personal relationship with outsiders is indecent and disrespectful towards a partner. It is unlikely that the guy will be delighted if he learns from his best friend that his ex-girlfriend wants to reconcile and regrets a quarrel very much.

One wonders why she didn’t say this directly to the addressee, why it was necessary to devote intimate affairs to a friend. And didn’t she tell him and anything else that he shouldn’t know about. No matter how deliberately your speech sounds, addressed to mutual friends, they will not be able to convey it to your loved one. They simply will not pay attention to the words and intonations that are important for you and your partner, they can distort facts, confuse something, because this is, by and large, not so important for them as it is for you.

At a personal meeting, which should be decisive in terms of the prospects for restoring relations, you should look breathtakingly. After a short or long parting, the partner should see in you that beautiful and attractive person whom he once loved. This will awaken bright and fond memories and set both partners to a kind, honest and emotionally positive conversation. Be natural. If you have never worn high hairpins and wigs before, do not start doing it now, it will look ridiculous and ridiculous. Be as close as possible to the image that was during the dating.

Smile Behave yourself at ease, even if everything inside is quivering, shaking and trembling at the mere thought that the partner may refuse to resume the relationship. To hold this meeting correctly, use a few tips from psychologists.

• Do not try to cause pity, do not tell that no one loves you, that you have no desire to live without him, that the time of separation was incredibly difficult for you, that you were sick, depressed, and so on. Even if this was the case, it is not necessary for the partner to know about it. In order for a person to become interested and want to come closer again, you do not need to make him want to hug you and cry. Pity kills other feelings and forms a feeling of guilt in the interlocutor.
• No need to start again to find out who was to blame for the quarrel and separation. Avoid recriminations (“you were the first to leave”, “you didn’t call so much time”). Now it makes no difference who is to blame. You need to decide what to do.
• Do not try to blackmail children, finances, shared secrets. "If you do not return, you will not see the children" - not the tone that implies reconciliation and forgiveness. This condition. And the conditions here are unacceptable.

• Tell us that you have revised the value of your relationship, that you remember all the good things and are ready to discuss the conditions that will suit both. In this case, try to do it in a non-asking and ingratiating tone, otherwise the partner may set too many conditions. Don't settle for everything. They must be reasonable and fair.

And finally, I would like to say that special attention should be paid to solving the following questions, if you decide to be together again, because the sooner you solve them, the easier and easier it will be to start life with this person again:

• Does the partner agree with your definition of the reasons for separation?
• what measures does each of you offer in order to restore the relationship;
• do you and he have enough trust in each other;
• what will be the mutual concessions;
• how from now on you will resolve conflict situations if they occur (and it will happen sooner or later without fail).

Psychology can not give a finished recipe for personal happiness. Much depends on the nuances and specific circumstances, on people, their character and temperament, habits and ideas about life. The chances for personal happiness from the second (third and so on) attempts are made by couples who adhere to the following:

• experiencing mutual feelings, respecting the interests and feelings of each other;
• are mutually inclined to continue the relationship, do not do it for the sake of a broad gesture or mercantile considerations;
• mutually willing to change, to compromise;
• firmly intend to keep the promise given to the partner in reconciliation.

If the conversation was not crowned with success, it became obvious that the partner in rebuilding the relationship did not agree, you will get better again. You now know exactly what he thinks about this, you are completely free and free to build your new life in the light of your experience.