Parting: causes, stages and ways of experiencing

Parting often leads to painful experiences, while it is not only about parting with your beloved person, but also about parting with children, with friends. Breaking relationships is always a loss. To avoid such painful situations will help the knowledge of the reasons why partings occur most often, how they are experienced and how to preserve important relationships for you.

Parting psychology assesses the loss of a relationship with a particular person. But in practice, physical separation does not always mean the loss of relationships, and living together does not guarantee spiritual unity. Parting is a painful process if a person is dear to you, if an important period in your life is closely connected with him. Parting with your loved ones (spouses), children, relatives is considered the most painful. Parting with close friends can also hurt.

The parting can be complete, when contacts on the decision of the parties or one of the participants of the situation cease in any form. Parting is considered incomplete, after which people maintain certain relationships - they talk about parenting issues, for work, they have common affairs, they have an intention to restore relationships. Parting is also called incomplete in psychology, in which one of the parties refuses to accept reality as it is, time passes, and the stage of acceptance does not come. This is a hard case that requires necessarily help a psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

Parting gives a great life experience, painful, but sometimes necessary. In any case, many useful things can be learned from it: after parting, the value systems change, a person begins to better understand the subtleties of his own character, he knows better what he needs further from future relationships. If, on the other hand, people part in a temper without thinking about a decision, then they have a chance to improve their relations by drawing conclusions after reconciliation.

It is important to understand that the events themselves and the reasons that led to them are different things. If the couple formally breaks up because of the betrayal of one of the partners, then there can be any reason, but not the betrayal itself. On adultery adultery could push boredom and routine in the relationship, the lack of productive interaction with a partner in various fields. An event that is formulated as a scandal is not a reason for parting, but only a pretext, since the true reason can again be covered in anything else. Let's look at what causes most often lead to the collapse of relationships with both spouses and with children, parents, friends.

This reason is very cunning. Trust is the basis of any relationship, without it friendship or love is impossible. It disappears gradually, sometimes even imperceptibly, little by little. It is common for people to give their relatives a “second chance”, to justify them internally, but only for a while, as long as there is trust. Once it disappears, the relationship can not continue. Jealousy, especially its pathological forms, deception (if it is frequent) can lead to loss of trust. Even deception in small things gradually develops into a “big snowball”, which in one not the most beautiful day picks up speed and all of its strength falls on the deceiver's head, leaving almost no chance to save relationships.

In the people it is called "not agreed characters." People set different and sometimes polar goals for each other and do not want to help each other in achieving these goals. If the husband is saving up for a new car, and the wife believes that an apartment is first needed, then scandals cannot be avoided.If the mother insists that the son go to the university, and he gathered in the army of free will, then again everything can end in parting, if one of the parties does not agree to accept the priorities of the other.

Priorities can be intangible: for one, it is important to grow professionally and spiritually, to learn, to increase their value as a specialist, and the other believes that the partner only wastes time, receiving another diploma, thereby degrading the achievements of the first. The separation for this reason may well turn out to be temporary, and if people reach a compromise or learn to give in, the relationship can be saved.

Violence is not only physical, but also psychological. Under plausible excuses (“I love”, “worrying about you”), one partner can introduce total control over the second one - check where and when he leaves, where it happens, who calls him. Psychological violence is insults, reproaches and disrespect, it is direct or indirect prohibitions to maintain relationships with friends and family, restrictions, constant clarification of relationships.

A victim of psychological violence and manipulation is usually afraid of doing something wrong, making any household decision without the partner’s knowledge, if a strong emotional dependence on a tyrant is added to this, then the situation becomes quite unbearable. Often children are manipulated by parents or parents of children, spouses and even friends may be faced with attempts at manipulation by each other. Parting in this case is the most correct, and sometimes the only possible way out. Having begun once, neither physical nor psychological violence usually stops, but only progresses, acquiring more and more sophisticated forms.

Everyone, starting a relationship with someone, hopes and expects something good that this relationship will bring. Often these expectations are not met. It is difficult to consider in a sweet young man the future tyrant or miser, in a growing son it is difficult to see the future of a cruel and unjust scoundrel. When a person is faced with some manifestations and actions of the other, which did not fit into the picture of his expectations, he experiences strong disappointment, fear, resentment.

If we understand that we are building ourselves hopes and expectations, and no one is obliged to meet them, parting for this reason can be avoided. Another option is to give up expectations and accept a person as he is with all his flaws and advantages, but not everyone can do it. Parting, if it happened, can be reversible. But only after one of the parties has comprehended the wrongness of the fact of advancing to the other of any own expectations and hopes, and the other will do everything possible to correct what is not so convenient for the partner.

We are talking about alcohol, drug addiction, gambling, and so on. Usually, in the very germ of a problem, a partner tries his best to help the second one to get rid of a bad habit. But there are promises to quit, but in most cases there is no real action, and therefore the loss of trust comes into effect, the collapse of hopes and expectations later, and then all other reasons. In families where a partner drinks, takes psychotropic drugs, violence and manipulation are widespread, and there is definitely a difference in priorities (unless, of course, not all family members drink together).

This reason, which often destroys marriages "with experience". Feelings and feelings dull with time, and this is natural and normal.If they are not replaced by common interests, hobbies, common priorities and goals, then there is a chance that the partners will simply get tired of communicating with each other. Loss of interest, attraction can be the basis for adultery, to leave the family. Relationships are rapidly deteriorating and may eventually become complicated by any of the reasons listed above - from the alcoholism of a bored partner to domestic violence and the collapse of all expectations.

Financial disputes regarding how and how much to earn, where and to whom to spend, are a fairly common cause of separation. In this reason, several factors are combined at once: this is the difference in priorities and possible manipulations. But such partings can be canceled if desired, making them reversible. Suffice it to find out all the misunderstandings and develop a new financial strategy in a relationship that would suit both. Similarly, most domestic issues are solved. If people part because of this forever, then with a high degree of probability they did not come to the first place, this problem, but any one of the above. Money and fried potatoes were only the last straw in the cup of patience.

Among the reasons for parting, you can list many different prerequisites - and sexual dissatisfaction with a partner, and the immaturity of one of the participants in a situation where a person cannot and does not know how, and most importantly, does not want to make any decisions at all. But if you reduce everything, as in mathematics, to a simple equation, then you can easily understand that the basis of any parting is insult, which consists of a collapse of hopes and expectations, anger, anger and fear of the future.

It is this feeling that destroys marriages, divorces parents and children to different continents, makes friends completely stop communicating with those who have recently been close and understandable. Please note that it is an insult that underlies a divorce because of “they did not agree on characters”, it is she who accompanies financial and domestic troubles, a difference of priorities, an insult to the world and lead to alcoholism and escape into narcotic non-existence.

Parting has many faces. People who have made such a decision may never see each other or may see each other every day, they may forget that they were tied up in some kind of relationship, or they may remember it and experience emotional attachment for a very long time. Psychologists distinguish several types of separation.

• Constructive breakdown - causes cannot be eliminated, correction is impossible. The partners have enough will and intelligence to decide to break free from such meaningless relationships and become free and eventually happy, but separately. In such cases, the separation proceeds not too painfully, although it is possible that the experiences will still take place. But after parting, people’s relations are smooth, calm, positive, they do not cripple either their soul or their child’s soul, if there is one. Relationships are built on mutual respect, regardless of whether, at the initiative of a man or a woman, they were terminated. People look at their joint past without resentment.

• Unfinished gestalt - there are good reasons for parting, but there is no strength to do this by coming up with reasons to stay together (children grow up, there is a mortgage, etc.). It is in such couples that betrayals often occur, children grow up in an atmosphere of chronic destructive lies. Both spouses recognize that their relationship has long been wrong, there is no passion, no sex, no trust, no relationship. But they are afraid to change something.

• Traumatic parting - the decision made and embodied to leave forever. It is fraught with the accumulation of a huge load of insults, although sometimes it can be constructive.Usually, one of the partners is not ready to let go of the other, and it is in such situations that the worst emotional upheavals and experiences take place.

• Delayed separation - a proposal to part for a time in order to collect your thoughts and make a decision that can go into any of the listed types of separation. It is not perceived as painful as traumatic, but only until the moment when a permanent decision is made.

• Pseudo-rising - a specially created situation in which the partner, who initiated it, in fact does not want a true separation, he manipulates, trying to achieve something of his own, some specific goal. If a person supposedly broke up, it gives him the illusion of freedom, the opportunity to suffer as much (there are people who need experiences to revive their fading relationships and allay boredom). Sometimes such false partings become habitual, and the manipulator stops reaching the goal. Often, when the patience of the second partner breaks or the manipulator decides that the resources of the relationship are personally exhausted for him, the next gap becomes true and last.

The experience of separation takes place according to the psychological laws of loss (the stage of grief). The sequence of stages of emotional change is usually clear and always one stage follows another. Both men and women have such a sequence, but there are nuances due to the gender characteristics of the psyche. In order to survive the separation and not become a patient in a psychiatric hospital, to cope with your emotions faster, it is important to go through all the stages without missing a single one.

The very first reaction to the loss. A person does not feel pain, because as long as he simply does not believe in what is happening, does not understand what is happening at all, does not allow his mind to think about it. The mechanism of negation of the psyche includes when faced with something unfamiliar and frightening. Denial protects the psyche from the traumatic sharp impact, partially relieves the processes that begin to occur in the soul. The denial has different forms - from the insistent statement that everything, as before, just caused temporary difficulties, to the depreciation of the loss - “everything went for it, and that was to be expected”.

The anesthetic effect of denial takes place, anger comes to replace bewilderment - “how could he do that?” Resentment, shame, shame, great anxiety appear. Emotions going wild, and to the same degree a person can direct his anger both to the initiator of separation and to his own person.

The anger has already been experienced, it is practically nonexistent and, perhaps, the person has already found his first explanations of what happened, although he is still very far from a complete self-examination and analysis of the situation. Immediately after anger, pain becomes stronger, and therefore there is a completely natural desire to get rid of it. The first thing that asks to mind is to restore the relationship. Here the suffering side becomes obsessed with the idea of ​​returning the beloved one, the beloved one. Particularly impressionable natures may begin to pursue a partner, write, call, demand, threaten, blackmail, lure with deceptive reasons, walk around fortunetellers and sorcerers.

From what emotional and physical costs of strength and energy passed the next stage, it depends on how severe the decline can be after it.Depression begins, a person is sluggish, not energy, for him a lot of things lose their meaning, something that used to be enjoyable can irritate or leave you indifferent. There are sleep disorders, appetite. I do not want anything, even get up and go to work. The pain decreases, sometimes it is already indistinguishable. But the stage is quite dangerous: if you live it incorrectly, it increases the likelihood of transition of situational depression in chronic mental illness. It is at this stage that the largest number of suicides, murders of revenge are committed.

At this stage, personal defeat is recognized. An understanding of the true causes and effects comes, it becomes clear where to go next. The person begins to understand that the responsibility for the separation lies with both partners, and although there may still be regret, they no longer cause much pain. The adoption of the situation in the form in which it occurred. Circumstances are seen clearly, without illusions. The plus is that the onset of the adoption stage suggests that the planning of a new life has already begun. There are new plans, goals, guidelines.

The desire to live speaks about the end of the loss acceptance process, self-esteem grows, an understanding of one's own value and significance appears, the feeling comes that the best is still to come. The emotional state is characterized as compensated, in other words, there is still a wound from loss, but it has already healed and now reminds of itself only by the presence of a scar.

Features of female living loss are that women are more emotional, and therefore all the stages in them are brighter than in men. At any stage, except the final, there may be streams of tears, words, and even hysteria. But this is women's salvation - due to the ability to release negative emotions, throw them out as they arise, women quickly complete the passage of all stages.

Women rarely lose their self-esteem after parting, if it decreases somewhat, it is restored after the first visit to a beauty salon or fashion store. The woman has friends who can cry at any time, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. If a woman has a child, then he will not let him get bogged down in depression - he requires care, care, and performance of certain daily activities.

Women are more dreamy, they are easier to enter the stage of returning to life, it is easier for them to dream up a new amazing life.

The peculiarities of the male psyche are such that the parting of the stronger sex is much harder, because they cannot afford to suffer soberly, spend many hours talking with friends about the act of the beloved, “breaking her bones”, and men rarely cry. And in vain. Getting out of anger and malice, resentment with tears would help men more easily survive the depressive stage. It is on her man can seriously and permanently get stuck.

Men try to make sure that no one will notice their feelings after parting. They hide them, suppress them, which causes the accumulation of negative and disruption of the work of the heart, blood vessels and other organs. Psychosomatics suggests that men live less women precisely because they habitually put pressure on everything that has become painful.

At the stage of denial and anger, a man can go all serious - alcohol, casual sexual relationships. Only to the stage of adoption, he will understand that this does not bring substantial relief, and sometimes even aggravates the state. Men care about their self-esteem. An abandoned man is like a wounded lion.At first, he will lick his wounds and dream of revenge, and then he will begin to blame himself for not being able to reign, he has lost. This may impose a significant imprint on the nature of his future relationship - the more he hurt a man, the more likely he will transfer some of the resentment, suspicion and distrust in his next relationship with women.

Those who want to quickly cope with their experiences after breaking a relationship with a loved one will be disappointed - this process does not happen quickly. Everything depends on the temperament, circumstances and reasons for separation, on the age and life experience of the person, but in general, you need to tune in to experience each stage in turn.

The right attitude is a patient attitude. No stage lasts forever, and understanding this helps to end the loss with a share of philosophical calm. This share will be small, but very important. Psychologists advise not to try to deal with their condition, this will only lead to the suppression and accumulation of negative, you should try to accept each stage as inevitable. The most difficult cases - parting during pregnancy women, immediately before the wedding, betrayal and betrayal. But they can be experienced and put up with the least losses, if you follow the advice of psychologists.

It is important for a man to remember that his task at any stage of separation is to preserve his dignity. It depends on what will be his male self-esteem after leaving a difficult situation. You can not blackmail, threaten, descend to insults and assault, revenge, to everything that lowers and degrades men, not only in the eyes of women, but also in their own eyes. Do not drink or try to quickly find another woman - Attempts to artificially fill the inner void are usually doomed to a fiasco and an unpleasant aftertaste for many years.

After the aggression and anger pass, you can try to talk to the former, find out what further plans she has, perhaps she, like you, worries and regrets about breaking up and wants to renew the relationship. If not, do not despair. Take care of the work and all-round development - read, meet with friends, go fishing, watch interesting films, sort out the car engine - surely a lot of things have accumulated that you put off until later. It's time to do them. This will make it easier to survive difficult times.

A woman definitely needs “helpers” - someone should listen, support. But you should not feel sorry for yourself. No matter how much you want to sympathize with yourself, you should go the other way - learn how to control and analyze your emotions, distinguish love for the former from the fear of being alone, become ridiculous. It is important to learn from the heart, sincerely forgive.

While the stages of recovery after a loss are underway, a woman needs motivation - in order to work, learn, and take care of herself. The best motivation is to understand that true happiness can lie in wait at any time, in any place. Will it be possible if you hide from the world, close yourself from communication, walk around? It is easier to accept those who do not lose their dignity - no matter how painful, do not descend to revenge, rumors, gossip, blackmail (including children). When it becomes easier, for such actions can be painfully embarrassing.

Longtime friends, who are connected by a lot, are quite painfully experiencing a break, but not like lovers. Ideally, it is best to wait for time, talk to a friend with integrity, and still eliminate disagreements. But if this is not possible, it is best to try to forgive a friend if he has offended you, ask for forgiveness from him and leave. Perhaps, then you still have different roads.

With depression, if it has been delayed for more than two weeks, it is important to cope not with one person, but with assistants — relatives, friends, a psychologist or a psychotherapist. With the wrong approach, it can become chronic. It is important to set goals and goals for every hour, every day. The less time it takes to relish all unpleasant thoughts, the less severe the depression will be.

After a long relationship, forgetting pain will not work right away, the pain must pass by itself. Compare your condition with a wound or flu - even if you really want to get rid of the disease, you will not be able to do it ahead of time, the disease will recede when the body completely cope with the virus or the wound heals. The same with emotional wounds.

Knowledge of the reasons for which partings occur most often will help maintain existing relationships. Look at them once again and note for yourself that for the success of a relationship it is important that they have confidence, that there is no violence and suppression, that people, besides love, have common interests and hobbies. One day the passion will pass, and the community of interests will remain and help you overcome all difficulties together. It is important to reckon with the opinion of a partner, but do not forget about your own life. The victims are inappropriate.

The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky recommends experiencing the parting with his head held high, forbidding himself even to think that you have been abandoned or betrayed. Such thoughts do not add self-confidence and positive thinking. He also gives the following recommendations.

• Do not dissolve in another, remember about yourself - if a partner left you, with a high degree of probability he has already stopped loving you, then why should you suffer and suffer, dream of returning a relationship? With unloved relationships usually develop not the warmest.
• All couples have life difficultiesas well as quarrels and misunderstandings, but only those that were initially weak and untenable, flawed, if you like, break up. Therefore, what happened should be regarded from the position that everything happened according to justice and right - both of you deserve happiness for a long time. Together it is impossible.

• Take your time give yourself time - about a year is needed on average to get rid of the stress caused by parting. For some, this process is longer, for others it is faster. But all, without exception, pass it, no one is still forever in the stages of experiencing a loss.
• Do not blame yourself for anything. It is not your fault that happened. And the partner’s guilt is not there either. It just happened that way. Accept it and look at the relationship with respect and gratitude (it was also good!), And at yourself with sincere love. You are beautiful, amazing, individual. And someone is now looking in the big white world for not even a person like you, but you.

How to keep the attitude after parting, see the following video.