How to survive a divorce?

Divorce is always a difficult, traumatic situation. Both women and men are experiencing the disintegration of the family is quite painful. Of course, much depends on how significant the relationship was for partners, who initiated the separation, what events preceded the decision to divorce.

Divorce changes a person's life, so his psychological state is assessed according to criteria that are applicable to people who have lost a loved one due to tragedy, death, illness. The psychology of loss is fully applicable to the former spouses for several reasons:

• there is an internal "vacuum";
• changing pace and rhythm of life;
• the daily routine and habitual actions change;
• self-pity appears.

Regardless of the reasons that led to the termination of the marriage relationship, a person goes through several stages of adaptation to new conditions. If the divorce caused pain, grief, then there will be several stages of recovery. Pass them important one after the other, sequentially.

• Total denial. A person does not believe that what is happening is a reality. Everything seems to be happening not with him, but with someone else, as if in a dream, not in reality. The state is close to the shock mechanism - reality cannot be perceived as it is. Shock you just need to endure.
• It hurts and scary. This stage, when the shock, which served as anesthesia, retreats. The problem and the situation falls all weight. The pain is felt even at the physical level - someone has a pain in the chest space, a head splits, and in some people the old diseases become more acute and joint, muscular, somatic pains appear. At this stage, the person does not see the future, he does not know where to go, what to do, and this inspires primitive fear. Fortunately, this painful stage usually lasts not so long, and the senses transform into something else.
• Anger and hate. This is an unpleasant, even nasty, but inevitable transformation. Pain and fear turn into anger. There is an insult, closely mixed with rage, and sometimes with hatred. At this stage, you can get sick, lie down with a high fever, pneumonia, acute inflammatory disease of any organ, if the hatred is too strong.
• Forgiveness and hope. The person partially forgives and justifies the partner, finds reasonable explanations of his position. The anger passes, but there is a feeling of guilt and hope - he suddenly returns, regrets his decision. The worst thing you can do at this stage is to start looking for meetings with your former marriage partner. It is difficult to stop a person: he is inspired by the prospect of getting rid of pain and grief in one fell swoop, simply by restoring the marriage relationship. A person loses self-criticism, self-control, becomes inventive and very energetic.

• Depression, decline. This is a completely natural state after emotional activity and the work done at the previous stage. There is a recession, a person feels himself in the abyss of loneliness, feels like a loser, unnecessary, guilty of everything. The classic symptoms of depressive disorder can be observed: you do not feel like eating, getting up and going to work, while there is no desire to meet someone, goals, aspirations, and joy are missing. Having reached the lowest point of the fall in the emotional peak, the person freezes, freezes and begins to slowly climb - the next stage begins.
• Self-analysis. On the way up from the pit, a person looks as if he is looking at himself from the side - so he begins to see the reality as it is. Angry at her is no longer strength, pain is dulled, anger is no more. Well, if there is no offense, but more often it is still present inside, hidden and disguised. At this stage, the possibility of planning the future is included. A person can part with resentment, fear, and already find ways to arrange his life further: he chooses what to do, changes his hobby, makes new friends, starts to go out into the world, but is very fearful and wary, risking at any moment again , Get depressed and start to rise again.
• Adoption. This stage is final. The person fully accepts and understands the accomplished circumstance. He does not feel anger and anger, said goodbye to the insult, he almost recovered his wounded vanity, he had plans, hopes for personal happiness, self-realization.

Recovering and recovering, not leaving the soul of life-long injuries will only help a systematic experience of each stage. At each of them, people will surely meet who will convince you to “spit” on everything, cheer up and live to the fullest. But it is important to experience everything, without exception. New relationships should not start before it passes the stage of full adoption, so as not to make another big mistake.

All important decisions that need to be made at one stage or another of the recovery will be dictated and caused only by the feelings that are characteristic of the stage. If a person is at the stage of anger, then the new relationship or actions towards the former partner will be aggression, hatred and revenge. If he is at the stage of depression, then all decisions will be an attempt to appease loneliness, but they will not bring results, because loneliness is still inside.

Women usually go out of emotional crisis longer than men. This is due to the peculiarities of the psyche of the fair sex. For them, divorce is a great stress, because they attach more importance to relationships than men. Each stage of recovery can be greatly stretched if the woman is choleric or melancholic. Do not lose heart and it will be difficult to avoid it in some places.

Complicating the situation can be a feeling of guilt - women often torment themselves even for what they did not commit. This is facilitated by the presence of unfinished feelings for the former spouse, because if love has not passed, then it is more difficult to accept each of the stages of recovery.A woman can survive the divorce painlessly only if it was she who initiated it, and she did not go to the “void”, but to a specific man, who is now for her and the whole world.

There are also nuances in the circumstances of a divorce.

• After treason. Divorce after adultery spouse is aggrieved. A woman is overwhelmed with indignation: they have betrayed her, have unjustly dealt with her. Treason is regarded as a betrayal. The psychological practices of forgiveness, of which there are quite a few, will help to survive the period after a divorce. It is important to forgive the ex-husband, let go of his offense. After the adoption stage, you need to calm down and start arranging your own life.
• With baby. Parting with the presence of the spouses of children is always harder for the woman, because it is a huge burden falls responsibility for the future of the baby. There is a public dogma that states that a child needs both a mother and a father. But there is no biological need for a father, which is clearly evidenced by nature, in which very few mammalian males stay close to the offspring after his birth. A woman with a small child after a divorce, it is important not only to learn to live alone (to do without a man in everyday life), but also to live without looking at others. If there is a child, then the woman is no longer considered lonely. Children often help it easier to survive a divorce, because being distracted by their needs and activities with them, a woman more smoothly experiences difficult stages of recovery from loss.

It is important to know that it is impossible to forget a husband as some ladies want. A woman will remember this person all her life, as he is a part of her personal history and biography. Therefore, after acceptance occurs, it is worth considering options for cooperation with the former, especially if there is a child. Failing spouses are sometimes excellent partners in the issues of parenting and business.

Features of the psyche of men are less obsession with feelings and emotions and a greater concentration on their own future. The hardest for men are the stages of shock and pain.

The first and second stages of exit from the situation for them are fraught with care, flight to alcohol, drugs. It is important to avoid this at the initial stage - then the stages will flow easier and softer. Do not think about his wife, if the divorce occurred on her initiative, will not work. You just need to control your thoughts and direct them in a positive direction.

After a divorce, a man diligently searches for his place in life, overestimates the value system, analyzes and “lists” his failed family life. Male sex is rarely characterized by samoedism - they are more enthusiastic about the stages of anger and irritation, since they are naturally more aggressive. They are easier to blame the wife.

The search for a new love, into which some fall already after anger releases, usually does not bring relief. Intrigue and casual partners - the option of revenge, but the soul of this will not become easier. A man will be helped to cope with a personal drama work and a new hobby, communication with friends, but in no way will it go away.

Will the stage of recession and depression pathological, depends on the individual characteristics of the person. Vulnerable, infantile, dependent people, for whom the very existence of a family is extremely important, may well become patients of a psychiatric hospital if they fail to pull themselves together and cope with a depressive state. Holders of a stronger psyche usually overcome a period with fewer losses.

If depression occurs solely as a reaction to the loss, then experts talk about psychogenic depression. She does not need medication, but only if it lasts no more than two weeks.If the condition is delayed, then it is important to consult a doctor - the risks of missing a moment when an acute condition becomes chronic are high.

If there were prerequisites for mental abnormalities, about which a person usually does not know anything, then depression can develop with significant changes in hormonal levels, lesions of brain structures. This condition is called endogenous. It needs medical attention.

Depression often develops in women, but it is more difficult to treat in men. Male nature does not allow crying, expressing emotions. Men are more restrained, so they "drive" their feelings and resentments so deep inside that only a qualified psychotherapist can take them out. Men often deny the presence of depression, refer to a bad mood, fatigue. They often develop into a chronic mental illness.

Getting out of depression alone is often impossible - a woman and a man need the support of a close friend, girlfriend, relative. You can not withdraw into yourself and limit your communication with the world, you can not be silent - it is important to tell your feelings to the “helper” - the listener. Speaking will help to quickly come to the stage of adoption, the said fears are not so big, and resentment through the speech speak and leave.

At the stage of depression, it is important to plan your life as much as possible: every hour should be scheduled. Work, reading, walking the dog, classes with the child, going to the store - you need to plan everything to the smallest detail. No matter how much you want to regret yourself and stay in bed longer, cry and look at one point, you need to raise yourself in time, make you wash, get ready for work.

Do not violate your plan, no matter what happens. This is important for creating a space where everything is clear and predictable a few steps forward. This is exactly what a person with depressive disorder is missing.

The more cases a person has, the less time will be left for negative thoughts. If you are unable to force yourself to do anything at all, and this state has lasted for more than two weeks, then you should contact a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist to prescribe adequate therapy.

The answer to this question can be formulated by several rules that it is desirable for divorced spouses to print and hang in a prominent place.

• Neither women nor men after a divorce should not fill the mountain with alcoholic beverages. They temporarily give the illusion of relief, but while the person is intoxicated, the psyche does not process information about divorce, there is no progress from stage to stage. Thus, alcohol is the right way not only to get alcoholism, but also to prolong your sufferings, make them unbearable. Narcotic substances act in the same way.
• Do not allow yourself and others to regret yourself. "The poor guy" and "luckless" - this is not about you. To pity yourself with your own or someone else's filing is a sure way to go into a black and hopeless depression.

• Do not scold the former partner and spread negative information about him. This is especially true of the intimate aspects of personal life, some secrets that the former husband or ex-wife would like to keep secret. The insult will pass once, and full acceptance will come. But the reputation will be tarnished because of unpleasant statements about the partner, and with the former it will be difficult to build partnerships in the future. Respect worthy of both, regardless of the reasons for the divorce.
• You do not need to be humiliated, you should not try to return a partner at any cost. About 15% of couples after a divorce after some time converges again. But it’s not worth hoping for anything like that, and even more so you shouldn’t pursue the former (former), send him (her) 300 messages a day, including at night.

In women, according to statistics, the exit from the post-divorce state takes from 1 to 2 years. Men cope with the experiences and decide to start living anew earlier: after six months or a little more. The consequences of a divorce are usually rarely negative. If the relationship was painful, pathological, then divorce is good. It remains only to wait a bit, realize it and live on.

Adjust your personal life after a divorce is usually possible in 2-3 years, some - before. According to statistics, up to 75% of women from 20 to 30 years old re-enter into marriage or civil relations, up to 52% of women from 30 to 40 years old and even up to 20% of women aged 40 and older. Men are more in demand - up to 95% of divorced men create new families regardless of their age.

Psychologists are advised to take time after a divorce, not as a period of catastrophe and collapse, but as the beginning of new opportunities that were previously inaccessible, impracticable. Now all horizons are open - you can choose any and start moving towards the goal.

Marriage is an important part of a person’s life. But after all, not all life is friendship. There are goals, creativity and professional achievements, travel and socializing, children and the joy of seeing them grow. Many live a happy and fulfilling life without marriage. Having understood this, it will be easier to accept a divorce with the thought that life is not over.

Age should not be a stress factor - after 40 years, and after 50, a divorce, although painful, gives all the same benefits as a divorce after 25 years. The main thing - do not be afraid to live and not blame yourself.