How to survive a divorce from her husband?

Divorce is a difficult event, which in many respects, from the point of view of psychology, is similar to the loss of a loved one. The emotional picture of a person experiencing a divorce and the one who is experiencing a loss is almost identical. The female psyche has its own characteristics, and therefore the stages of rehabilitation after a divorce in the fair sex are not the same as in men. To survive the separation easier, you need to know what lies ahead.

Women are more sensitive, more attention is paid to emotions and feelings, they give them more space in their daily lives. That is why a woman can “get out” of a divorce painlessly only in one case: if there are no children, and at the same time she moves away from her husband to a beloved man who had been a lover before. But even in this case, the representative of the fair sex for some time will have difficulty with feeling their own guilt. How large this complex will be depends on the individual traits of the woman, her upbringing, and ethics.

In all other cases, even if the decision on divorce was made by the woman herself, as the only correct measure (the husband drank, took drugs, beat, did not want to work), the range of experiences would be quite impressive. The most painful situation for a woman is connected with the divorce after the spouse’s betrayal, with a divorce initiated by him for no apparent reason, since female self-esteem suffers greatly and a sense of inferiority may arise.

The female psyche is somewhat hypertrophied, increases suffering, but it also has positive aspects: women are naturally more labile, they adapt to new conditions more quickly, women have a more developed intuition, and therefore they start to feel earlier when suffering comes to an end and it's time to start planning life. farther. They better distinguish one emotion from another, and therefore it is easier for them to understand themselves, but for complete self-analysis and self-help women sometimes lack strong analytical and rational thinking.

The first thing to understand is that divorce changes life fundamentally. Daily duties, a rhythm of a life change, there are new tasks, for example, financial. If you have children, now you have to organize in a new way and their life - it can be much more difficult than organizing your own. Everything that a woman will feel, regardless of age and social status, the presence of children, will proceed according to certain laws of psychology.

After a divorce, the greatest fear is associated with the fear of the unknown. To help a woman cope with him, we will try to tell what awaits her in the near time after the divorce, what processes will occur in her mind, subconscious, in her soul and heart. This will help to better identify your condition and understand which stage is behind and which is still to be.

In fact, this is the first reaction to a divorce. The stage can begin before the divorce, during the divorce process, or immediately after it. It depends on the temperament and speed of perception of events by a particular woman. The following happens - she denies everything, what is happening seems unreal, as if everything happens not with her, but in a dream, in a movie, with someone else. She can not accept what happened, can not appreciate it, believe in what is happening.Even if, in fact, the spouses have already broken up, a woman may experience denial and not believe in the seriousness of what is happening.

The state resembles a shock, the perception is disturbed, the arguments are useless, the woman does not hear them yet. She thinks that you just need to wait, go to sleep and everything will be as before. At this stage, nothing needs to be done: no action, conversations with sympathetic friends. Shock retreat pretty quickly.

Shock, like quality anesthesia, somewhat blunted perception, so that reality does not collapse on the psyche with all the frightening volume. As soon as the shock passes, the pain is felt. This is quite natural, although very difficult. There is a feeling that pain fills everything inside - it is constant, aching, not giving to focus on something. The whole world sees a woman through the prism of pain. In all she sees a reminder of the past. The pain can also become tangible: some have psychosomatic pains in the heart, others have headaches and toothache. The future is hazy, and more often it is not. A woman sets herself the task to survive.

There is almost no pain at this stage. Already otbolelo. But there is a strong and annoying anger and great resentment. For some, it takes on the scale of hatred. This stage is quite dangerous for a woman - she can get sick, chronic diseases can worsen. Under the influence of resentment, you can mess up a lot of ugly and even criminal acts.

This stage is the most insidious of the stages of experiencing a divorce. At some point, the desire to forgive a partner comes, a woman finds multiple explanations for what happened, and she blames herself in many ways. It is hoped that after correcting their shortcomings, it will be possible to reunite, regain happiness with a person. A woman becomes very active and active. He starts to clean up, loses weight, dyes his hair and changes his wardrobe. These actions are reminiscent of hysteria, because they give it to them with all the ardor. But they are not dangerous, even useful.

What is dangerous is the activity in trying to arrange a meeting with the former, questioning how he lives, attempts to track down the ex-husband, sending him messages, calls at any time of the day. It is difficult to stop - it seems to the woman that she has found the root of the problem, she is full of enthusiasm and sees the goal. But she is deprived of self-criticism, self-control, logical abilities. She does not think about the consequences. It is during this period that they write to magicians and fortune-tellers, make fortune-tellers, go to church and come up with various clever situations with imaginary diseases and problems in order to lure the former to a meeting. In most cases, all these actions are completely useless.

Getting used to the situation does not begin in the most pleasant circumstances. After the stage of activity comes a period of decline, depression. The woman is tired, she is deprived of strength. She feels like a failure, prefers to be alone, loses her appetite, and often the desire to live in general. To the disappointment is added the sincere regret and shame for everything that she managed to do in the process of the previous stage. How long the depression will last is hard to say. Without help at this stage can not be.

There must be someone close and dear who will force a woman to eat, to go to work. Let her do everything mechanically, but she does. It is very helpful at this stage to have a child. It requires care, attention, care - maternal instinct usually always overcomes the depressive desire to lie down and look at the ceiling.

A sign of recovery from depression is the beginning of self-examination. A woman begins to look at herself and her actions from the outside, she gets the opportunity to evaluate them and see the situation as it is. This is a great time to overestimate the system of your values, work with offenses, get rid of them. After forgiveness of yourself and your ex-husband, you can begin to choose the vector of further movement - what to do, what to do, whether to change the work, the city, not to jump with a parachute, whether to go on a journey. Opens a lot of horizons and opportunities.

The acceptance has happened. The woman understands what and how happened. No offense, no anger or desire for revenge. Life begins to play with new colors, there are very specific new plans. Restoration and finally come to life helps follow the planned positive plans. There is no desire at all costs to return her husband, to renew the relationship. There is an internal readiness for new relations, which will not be for the sake of revenge on the former, but for the sake of gaining personal happiness.

Separately, I would like to dwell at this stage, since the success of getting out of the post-divorce state depends on how the depression is lived. This stage is most dangerous for women with hypersensitivity, very anxious, suspicious, vulnerable, childish, accustomed to be cared for and looked after. It is this type of the fair sex that needs qualified psychological help, since they have a higher risk of transition of psychogenic depression to endogenous — then the condition will become a mental illness.

It is difficult to assess the potential of their own psyche. That is why the best that can be done at the first signs of depression, fix the date of its beginning and warn about it someone from the people you trust. If within two weeks the symptoms of depressive disorder subside, nothing needs to be done. If the clinical picture only grows, one should contact a psychiatrist or psychotherapist after two weeks for the appointment of adequate therapy.

You need to pay attention to the classic picture of psychiatric signs of clinical depression:

• bouts of dark and melancholy mood recur every day and intensify in the morning, before lunch;
• a woman ceases to enjoy all that she liked before, ceases to show interest in the new, loses her appetite;
• there is an external motor lethargy, very slow emotional reactions.

RThe right psychotherapy is the main thing in getting out of this state. It will be important for those who will be close to a woman at this difficult time for her to know that psychological support helps with mild forms of depression. If the condition is severe, it is better to get an appointment with a doctor for antidepressant drugs, sedatives. In this case, the treatment will be complex.

Useful relaxing massage, meditation, auto-training with programming for positive attitudes in the future. With proper support, speaking of their experiences, thoughts, emotions, keeping a diary of self-observation, depressive disorder recedes in about 1-1.5 months. But the condition can last even longer if the woman is from birth, melancholic or choleric.

As for self-help measures, a woman should not in any way refuse to help if her relatives offer her. Useful exercise, walking. The method of planning free time effectively shows itself - the more a lady will be busy with something, the less time she will have to worry. A change of place can be very useful - a trip to nature, to the country, to a neighboring town, to a resort.

In a state of depressive disorder, as in other stages after a divorce, it is important to avoid alcohol and drugs. They do not bring relief, do not solve problems. Moreover, while the person is in a state of intoxication, his brain does not handle the main problem, that is, the experience slows down, and the recovery process is delayed.

No less bad and feel sorry for yourself. It is very convenient - as a woman is more comfortable, but the position of the victim does not at all bring relief, but only moves it further and further into the future. Do not be allowed to feel sorry for yourself and others. It is not necessary to sort through the head and discuss with others the ugly actions of the former. It is not necessary to discuss it with friends and relatives.

After living all the stages of getting out of personal drama, the question of how to learn to live will not be the most important, because the understanding of what needs to be done will come by itself. However, there are situations that should be considered separately. The behavior of a woman will no longer be the same; such a life experience necessarily leaves its mark on her personality and character.

Some women find it easier to start an independent life; for others, the very thought of it seems intolerable. Psychologists advise all, without exception, ladies not to perceive the divorce as an apocalypse and a catastrophe of global scale. Marriage is important, but not all. There are other things that are important for a person’s happiness: friendship, state of harmony with oneself, professional achievements and goals, creativity, and child care. And even if you have lived in a marriage for many years and it seems that you still love the former, if betrayal has undermined you, this is not the end, it is the beginning of a new life in which you can write everything anew, in a different way.

Look around - you will see a lot of people who are not married and at the same time happy. They raise children, reach heights in their business, easily start a personal relationship, they are surrounded by friends and live a full, rich life. Watch them. Their secret is that they have long understood: Happiness is not in the ring on the finger and not in the stamp in the passport, but in the shower. If not, no marriage will make a woman happy.

Separately, we should talk about some situations that may aggravate rehabilitation after a divorce.

An infantile woman is not only the heroine of jokes and serials, but also a phenomenon quite common in life. As a child, parents took all the care of their daughter, they solved all her problems, protected them from any troubles, then the spouse intercepted the baton - he kept his wife, provided everything he needed, according to the pattern that was customary for her from childhood. And now - a divorce.

The collapse of a marriage for such a woman is akin to the end of the world. After all, she does not just lose the marriage relationship, but also falls out of the comfort zone. On the other hand, this situation should be regarded as a starting position. Now is the right time to learn to be independent and self-sufficient. A lot depends on those who will be close in difficult times for women.It is strictly forbidden to pity her, but it is necessary to direct, motivate: find a job, start earning money, start making decisions on your own.

In some cases, it is worth referring to a clinical psychologist or psychotherapist who teaches how to become more determined, how to mobilize your strengths. The process of gaining independence, if it is active and active, can significantly ease emotional distress after a divorce, because a woman’s life will be filled with a mass of new impressions, experiences, acquaintances and events.

Threatening and aggressive behavior of the former, if a woman knows that theoretically and practically a man can put his threats into action, should be a clear signal for her to start a defensive campaign. First of all, you need to change the door locks, visit the district police officer and tell him about the existing threats. If they are associated with a threat to life and health, the threat of kidnapping and taking a child away, you should write a statement to the police.

In this case, the former in no case can not show your fear. There are people who threaten only for self-affirmation, they are fueled by someone else's fear and excitement. Seeing that the woman is panicking and afraid, the ex-husband gets the illusory feeling that he can still control her life.

It’s better not to go into open conflict with aggressive ex. Change the phone number, warn colleagues at work, so they will not invite you to the phone if an angry ex-spouse calls. Ask someone of your friends or colleagues to accompany you from work, warn about the possible problems of the teacher in the kindergarten, which the child attends.

Divorce during pregnancy most often occurs in young couples, but this can happen in couples with any family experience. The main thing to remember for the future mother and ex-wife in one person is stress is very dangerous for the baby. Under the influence of experiences, women produce stress hormones that partially block the production of sex hormones. This is fraught with miscarriage, premature birth, pregnancy complications, impaired growth and development of the baby.

The most important motivation for a pregnant woman after a divorce is the birth of a healthy child, whom she will be able to raise and raise a decent person. It is better to focus on this - go to courses for expectant mothers, go shopping with cute things for kids, start buying favorite cute things and toys, bottles and nipples.

Regardless of whether the relations between the former spouses remained good or bad, it is better for a woman not to meet and not to contact the former before giving birth. Unnecessary experiences (and at the meeting they are inevitable) can only harm. After the baby is born, the couple can calmly discuss what's next - will the man be involved in raising the baby, what will be his help, etc.

A pregnant woman left alone is doubly offensive - she worries about herself and the baby. That is why she especially needs the support of friends and relatives. It is important not to refuse help, take care of your own strength, every day to remember that the health and condition of the baby depends on your thoughts and feelings. You are his only protection and hope, you simply have no right to let a crumb, put him in danger.

The child is another member of the divorce.He, like you, has a hard time. It will be good if you make an alliance with the child right away, since both of you now need each other's support. Do not hide from the baby what happened, but refrain from unpleasant details, but do not pretend that nothing happened at all. The children of the beautiful feel lies and tension.

What is dangerous lies in the relationship between mother and child - everyone knows. The child will grow up and respond the same. But the stress that the mother will try to disguise as fatigue, during indisposition, will surely find a way out - in conditions of emotional depression of adults, children begin to get sick more often.

It is best to honestly tell the baby that you are experiencing, that it is difficult for you, but together you will definitely cope with everything. Remember that both are bad, build your leisure time together - make it a rule to go to the park, cinema or entertainment center, to the museum or to the zoo once a week. New sensations will help you to escape from the painful and unpleasant thoughts.

Divorce does not always mean the end of feelings. It often happens that the certificate of divorce is already on hand, and the feelings in the soul towards the former are still alive. For such women, the most dangerous is the stage of false hopes. They can go to humiliation, to the loss of self-esteem, they can promise the former to do everything he wants, just to restore the relationship.

Even if there are any feelings in your soul, it does not give you the right to destroy your own dignity and self-esteem. Humiliated and insulted are usually difficult to love and perceive. They like absolutely others - self-confident, self-sufficient, courageous and happy. Become that. Statistics says that about 15% of couples after a divorce converge again after a while. If your case is the very one, then yours will not leave you anywhere. The time you spend separately should be used with maximum efficiency - put yourself in order, lose weight, find new friends and an exciting hobby, radiate happiness. Do not be humiliated, do not pursue the former - men also need time to reassess values ​​and awareness of actions. If you are not one of those 15% who give their families a second chance, then in the time taken to bring yourself to life and good shape, you will understand that it is no longer waiting for this, as before, it will be easier to accept the final separation.

There are several universal tips that are worth printing and hang in a prominent place. They will surely support you in difficult times, help you survive difficult days and pull yourself together.

• No one should meet other people's expectations. Both you and your former man have the right to be as you each one of you want to be.
• Do not go to extremes.
• Every day, learn something new (in any area).
• Every day, do a good and disinterested business (help neighbors, colleagues, strangers). Your self-esteem will begin to rise in a few days.
• You have enough strength, courage, courage and experience to start a new life. Do not limit your dreams, do not limit yourself to dreams - realize it.
• At each stage of life there is a life lesson. Try to understand what she decided to teach you through divorce (patience, humility, forgiveness, independence, thanks for friendship and support).
• All will pass.