How to survive a divorce from his wife?

For some reason, it is believed that feelings and suffering after a divorce is the lot of women, that a real man does not allow himself to cry and mourn. This stereotype is so firmly entrenched in the minds of people that men, after their marriage breaks up, themselves are at a loss for speculation - how should they act, how to survive this difficult period and remain at the same time a real man. Men suffer and experience no less than women, and sometimes more. But their personal drama develops according to other laws.

Male behavior after the breakdown of relationships may be different. It all depends on how much time people spent together, under what circumstances and on whose initiative they broke up. Divorce statistics show that most often (more than 60% of cases) the initiators of divorce are women. But it should be understood that only statistics of official appeals to state bodies and courts are taken into account, but in fact, a woman can apply for a divorce, while the separation was initiated by men.

So it turns out that in society, marriage by men is often perceived as a restraint. When a marriage ceases to exist, it seems to such men that now everything is available to them - fishing and beer at any time and for as long as any woman wants - no one needs to report to anyone. But time passes, the joy of freedom is gradually being supplanted by bewilderment, because the bachelor reality is not at all as rosy as it was seen. Many men are disappointed in their decision to part with his wife.

More worried are men who were abandoned by their wives. Indeed, in this case, not only the habitual way of life, life, duties, but also the self-esteem of a man collapses. The representatives of the stronger sex are so arranged that it is psychologically very important for them to be the winners, the first. And his wife’s departure to another man, even if the husband himself had long thought about divorce, becomes a very painful situation, since the wounded self-esteem in men usually hurts for a long time and severely.

The stereotypes that have existed in society for centuries are beginning to crumble, and increasingly, men recognize that divorce does not give them intoxicating freedom and happiness at all. British experts conducted a large-scale sociological study, which showed that up to 24% of the stronger sex after a divorce admit that they do not feel free, rather, they are empty. About half of divorced men admitted that they had been depressed for quite a long time and were even depressed.

For men, experiencing a divorce can cost a lot of nerves and health. Since boys grow up with a clear attitude that “men do not cry and do not complain,” practically from childhood, all the representatives of the stronger sex are accustomed to diligently suppress their emotions and feelings. This contributes a lot to society. If a woman is divorced, colleagues and relatives sympathize with her, and if a man gets a divorce, friends and colleagues begin to congratulate. If the representative of the stronger sex at the same time honestly admits that it is difficult, difficult and bad for him, then he runs the risk of being mildly weak.Not wanting this for quite natural reasons, the man begins to try on a mask of indifference, restraint, although he has a whole pot of passions and emotions inside him.

Attempts to throw out the accumulated men undertake, but they do it by not always adequate methods: noisy binges, alcohol, shuffling through new partners, and so on. Men overestimate their lives, trying to find a new meaning, but it turns out not always. Proper living of your own personal grief is the key to a successful way out of the psychological impasse, but it is with this living that men have problems.

The behavior of a man after a divorce is largely due to the circumstances of separation: it is easier to part if everything happened respectfully, calmly. If a man is humiliated, offended by his partner's betrayal, offended by her, listened to a lot of reproaches, it will take more time to restore a normal world view.

As well as the behavior of men depends on their psycho.

• The hunters - representatives of the stronger sex, accustomed to always achieve what they need. They are quite charming, purposeful, self-confident. They even turn a divorce into a contest for the right to have the last word, put an end. Such men suffer secretly, alone, trying to find a new passion as soon as possible and make sure that the former sees it, without which the victory will be incomplete.
• Observer - this psycho-type is characterized by balance, tranquility, gentleness, kindheartedness. Divorce perceives as a drama - it is hard and long to blame itself for what happened, it falls into a stupor, it can do something silly - quit, make a decision to go to another city. Suffers a long time, painfully, often seeking solace in alcohol. In a new relationship to enter in no hurry, to new girlfriends are wary, with caution.

• Trustee - caring husband and father. If a divorce happens, it really suffers, struggles to control itself. Finds a lot of new things, activities, hobbies, just to fill the void in the shower. He does not hurry to build new relationships, but he does not refuse old ones either - he continues to take care of common children, never refuses to come and help his ex-wife, even if he is offended by her.

• Eternal baby - a selfish, crazy man who puts his own interests first. He nurtures and cherishes the insult, inflames it in himself, can begin to make trouble, blackmail the former spouse, demand something from her (sometimes even return, because he is ill). Suffer not for long. It quickly finds solace in new relationships, is very unnecessary in matters of responsibility and raising children from previous marriages.
• Tyrant - the most dangerous type for a woman. Worst of all, if his self-esteem is hurt and self-esteem has suffered. He begins not only to suffer, but also to avenge his former wife for each of his experiences. He does not recognize that he jointly and severally participated in the divorce, that he, too, has a share of responsibility for the broken relationship, blames only his wife and bears insidious plans.

One cannot allow himself a weekly spree because he needs to work, and the other can decide on him and in the middle of the working week, the third may insult the ex-wife, threaten her, and for the fourth such behavior is unacceptable.

The separation is in many ways similar to the experience of the loss, death of a loved one. Therefore, divorcing my wife is subject to the psychological laws of experiencing personal grief. Psychologists believe that for a successful exit from these experiences it is important to consistently go through all their stages.

• Denial is the first reaction. Unwillingness to believe in what is happening. Some men at this stage are confident that the wife will go crazy, calm down, everything will be fine, she will change her mind. Some believe that a divorce is impossible, that this is just some temporary complication in familiar relationships. The stage in men usually does not last long - from several hours to several days.
• Resentment and anger - this stage comes to replace denial and falls upon a person with mental pain, feelings, bewilderment why this happened and how the wife could do that. At this stage, men often do rash acts - headlong into alcohol or drugs, they can begin to take revenge on the former. A man is worried about the fear of shame and defeat in the eyes of society, it is important for him to maintain his self-esteem at all costs. Men do not like to be "abandoned" (as well as women).

• Hope is the stage of tranquility. There is no anger, resentment is also beginning to recede, but so far there is no acceptance, and therefore a person begins to build false hopes: if the initiator of the divorce is a woman, the man can decide what else can be reconciled. Some begin to pursue the former, to search for meetings, to argue about their feelings. But such behavior is unnatural for most men. Rarely are men seeking reconciliation who have themselves initiated a divorce - for the majority of the stronger sex, the very thought of admitting their own mistake is unbearable.

• Depression - a stage in which a man can “get stuck” for a long time if he refuses to let go of his negative feelings, fears, resentment, irritation. All her pass, but it is easier for some, and very difficult for others. At this stage, I do not want anything, there is no desire to communicate with someone, there are no goals and aspirations. The man who got divorced in the hope of freedom, at this stage, begins to experience disappointment at the price of the collapse of marriage freedom acquired.
• Acceptance and analysis of the situation - at this stage comes a firm conviction that it is no longer possible to change anything in what happened, a person accepts reality as it really is. Many men revise their usual belief system and values. It is at this stage that the restoration to normal life begins. There are new friends, new hobbies and hobbies, new goals.

Often a divorce takes place against the background of a situation in which one of the partners has warm and tender feelings for the initiator of separation. It is very difficult to help such men, because they firmly believe that it is love that lives in the heart, and they do not even admit that on closer examination, love is not so much a tender feeling as a cry of wounded self-esteem.

The man is confused, he loses the battle for the possession of a woman, in his heart is brewing a huge resentment, including against himself, which the representatives of the stronger sex suffer very painfully. Very often it turns out that behind the concept of “love” a man hides his fear of loneliness, the fear of having to start new relationships with women, the fear of public opinion (abandoned person syndrome).

If a man loves a woman and categorically does not want to let her go, this also contains a fair amount of selfishness. Of course, you need to ask the opinion of the partner when the stages of offense and anger will be left behind. Maybe she wants to reunite - in this case, the couple may well be together again.But if a woman does not want to renew the relationship, it is important for a man to give her the right to make such a decision, that is, to let her go. This must be done in such a way that both their own dignity is preserved and the dignity of the former wife. No need to humiliate her, insult, blackmail or threaten, blaming everything. What happened has already happened.

A father has the same right to participate in the upbringing of his children, just like a mother. It is necessary to discuss with the former spouse, how often the father will see the child, what will be his help in bringing up, what and how he will be able to benefit. To manipulate children is cruel and unwise. Trying to make the former wife more painful, the men sometimes do not notice that from divorce the most painful is not to them, not to their wives, but to children: the marriage is destroyed in adults, and the whole world collapsed in children.

No matter how you spouse, with whom you broke up, you should not common children talk about mother filth, set them up against mother, blame her for divorce. Find pleasant topics for socializing with children, go with them to the cinema and parks, practice your favorite hobby, as before. The main thing is not to make an impression on the former, not to make her regret her decision to divorce, but to make sure that everything for the child remains as familiar as possible with the father, as it was before parting.

More painful than others (and this is a proven fact) the representatives of the stronger sex, who themselves are prone to infidelity, are going through a betrayal of their halves. But whatever the circumstances in which the wife decided to commit adultery and divorce, the main thing is to calm down, pull yourself together. Immediately we should abandon plans for revenge, including intrigues for the sake of revenge of the former - this is the path to nowhere. Most men see the betrayal of a wife as betrayal.

Anger and malice on your part can not change anything. It is important for him to forgive his wife, and not for her. Accumulated grievances can cause serious illness. And forgiveness will be the beginning of a new life. If you often recall that the heartache in the case of adultery spouse is based on wounded self-esteem, it will be easier to manage negative experiences. Whether a man will continue to try to build a relationship with a cheater or not is not so important for forgiveness. Release the offense is necessary in any case.

A divorced man has more free time and this is absolutely true. Therefore, much of how quickly he will be able to regain self-confidence depends on how he uses this personal time. You need to understand that a divorce, whatever it may be, it is always - “breaking.” External circumstances, habitual way of life, and also internal installations and representations will break.

It is painful to endure a divorce, not even because two people suddenly broke up, but because a man at some point makes a decision to be offended (yes, each of us makes this decision exclusively on our own). He is offended that his wife did the impossible, and this does not meet his own expectations. No one is obliged to meet someone's expectations, including his wife, and therefore all your expectations must be safely sent to the scrap. Together with the insult.

Whatever the decision to engage a man in the free time, the main thing is that it should not be samoedism, not an attempt to search for the guilty, not a constant mental return to the circumstances of a personal drama. You should not try and artificially fill the internal vacuum with anything - with alcohol, shuffling women, drugs, lying aimlessly on the couch with the remote control from the TV in your hands.All this is not able to fill the spiritual emptiness with quality, but only enhances the feeling of loss.

To control all your thoughts and emotions is always impossible in principle, and therefore it will be better if your free time is planned so that it always has a place for the presence of pleasant and important people. This is necessary not in order to have someone to feel sorry for you, sympathize with you, but in order for a man to simply not do something about which he can later greatly regret.

Here are some more important tips to help organize your time so that there is no possibility for unpleasant chewing of the past.

• Find a way to get rid of internal stress constructively - sign up in the gym, in the pool, in the sports section. Physical activity will allow to throw out negative emotions hidden in the soul, and for the health of the sport will only benefit.
• Feel free to ask for help. The installation of many men, which sounds like “I am strong, I can do everything”, is sometimes an insurmountable barrier to asking others for help. And it is necessary to do this, especially in moments when a feeling of helplessness comes up to cope with surging emotions. A good helper and listener can be a psychologist, a psychotherapist, a close friend.

• Do not look for a replacement. New relationships, if a man has not yet matured psychologically and emotionally, will not bring either satisfaction or happiness. Everything may become even more confused if the new passion turns out to get a husband in your face at any cost. Let everything go on as usual. New relationships are sure to be, but later.
• Clearly identify the reasons for separation and draw conclusions. If the wife has changed, then this is not a cause, but a consequence. The true reason could have been that it was you who gave the woman too little attention, did not care about her, offended her. Find the real reason, work it out and draw conclusions for the future.

A man can begin a new life after he has lived through all the stages of his loss, in two ways: leave it as it is or use divorce as a launching pad for your own takeoff. Forget the divorce will not work, but to move away from him, find yourself and try to improve yourself is quite possible.

But they can only be used when mobilizing the whole complex of typical masculine qualities - from courage to hardness of character. It is very important to find new goals, while they should serve to grow personally and emotionally. Even if you really want to return your wife, you should become a different, different, more mature one and thereby surprise her. It is worth answering questions about what plans you have long wanted to realize, but there was no time or opportunity, and whether these goals are relevant now.

To make it easier and profitable to survive a divorce, It is worth printing and hanging in a prominent place a few simple recommendations:

• Every day use for personal growth - comprehend a previously unknown.
• Every day do one good and good deed.
• Be positive.