How to decide on a divorce and painless parting?

Relationships in marriage sometimes develop according to a destructive scenario. And in this case, sooner or later, the person is faced with the question of divorce. But deciding on it is not so easy - years spent together, children, general loans and responsibilities. In deciding on a divorce, it is important to correctly make a "diagnosis", then the question of how to decide on a divorce will not seem intractable.

Formally, marriages break up for a variety of reasons: the husband made a mistress, the woman had a lover, the marriage became outdated and there were no common interests, spiritual and physical intimacy, scandals became frequent. But behind every such formal reason are true causes, which lead to adultery, to other misconduct partners. If the causes go unnoticed, if they are deliberately ignored, not resolved, if the decision is impossible, the relationship begins to develop in a destructive pattern. In it, partners cannot be happy by definition, over time, internal conflict only intensifies, tension grows, salvation of marriage becomes impossible.

There is only one way out of a destructive family: divorce. In order not to be mistaken, you need to know exactly the signs of the destruction of relationships. The fact that your relationship has become toxic, some characteristic signs indicate dangerous.

• Increasingly, you feel that you are losing yourself, you understand perfectly well that you are being manipulated, but you cannot do anything about it.
• You spend too much energy, strength and nerves on preserving relationships - this does not give you the opportunity to fully communicate with others, work with all dedication.
• You depend on the mood and desires of the partner emotionally and physically.
• The problems of your soulmate become yours, you solve them instead of your own problems, to the detriment of yourself.
• You are afraid to appear before your partner in the present, the way you are, because you are afraid that you will be rejected by this. You are often criticized on important issues and in small things (from work to choosing the color of clothes).

• Your wishes are not considered, they are not even interested, they are not taken into account. No respect, you are insulted, humiliated. Your needs (even natural) are not taken into account.
• You have completely no personal space (hobbies, friends, free time).
• You are being subjected to violence (physical, psychological, economic).

It is time to get rid of them, if it is not possible to change something. Additional factors that only aggravate the situation can be considered the following circumstances:

• the marriage was hasty, the decision was not well thought out;
• big age difference between husband and wife;
• the social status of partners is very different;
• the level of education of partners is different;
• different goals and aspirations, views on life;
• partners are representatives of different nationalities, cultures and religions.

• lack of common goals;
• lack of emotional and sexual connection;
• addiction to alcohol, drugs;
• violence of any type (tyrant is not only physical).

In the life of each family, periods of crises can occur - in no case should they be confused with destruction. A crisis is a temporary phenomenon caused by recent circumstances, causes. In this case, both partners are generally willing to compromise and dialogue.

You can distinguish a crisis from destructive pathological relationships by answering honestly a few questions.

• Do most of the ambiguous or controversial situations in the family become a conflict (or even a fight)?
• Charges and insults have become the norm? Do swear words sound more often than gentle words?
• Does the partner often remember another person's mistakes, blame him, shame him?
• Is there respect for your words, opinions, needs?
• Does your partner support your desire for personal growth?
• Is everything okay in your sexual relationship?

Women's magazines and forums are full of advice to "save marriage at all costs." In the case of destructive marital relations, preserving marriage is dangerous to the life, health, and development of children. Divorce in most cases can not be avoided if:

• marriage is built on the sacrifice of one of the partners (one sacrifices himself and his life, plans, interests for the welfare of the other);
• assaults, sexual abuse, bullying;
• one of the partners drinks or uses narcotic substances, while refusing to recognize his illness and to be treated;
• there is a cult of personality and tyranny in the family (one of the partners suppresses the second, deprives of his right to speak, opinions, decisions, forbids communicating with friends and relatives, tightly controls all the affairs and financial expenses of the second party);
• the family has accumulated many abandoned, unresolved conflict situations, while there is no intimate life;

• one or both partners have no desire to work on maintaining relationships;
• there is a pathological unsubstantiated paranoid or manic jealousy, the jealous partner flatly refuses to be cured by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, not recognizing the fact of his illness;
• parents can not come to a common opinion in the upbringing of children.

In this list, as you can see, there are no changes. There are a lot of couples who, with difficulty, but confidently went through it, forgave and kept the family, the relations in it became better. If desired, such problems are mutually solved without the need to dissolve the marriage. To make it easier for you to “make an accurate diagnosis,” answer yourself honestly to one more important question: “Is the cause of disagreement and misunderstanding eliminated?”. Answer not theoretically, but in relation to your circumstances (theoretically, drug addiction is curable, and alcoholics become exemplary, in practice these are isolated cases).

Make a verdict and start acting to save yourself, your life and the psyche of your child, if there is one.

Divorce is not just a second stamp in a passport or a humiliating legal proceeding on the division of property and children. This is, first of all, a trauma (regardless of who initiated the breakup of marriage). Psychologists rightly compare the separation with the loss of a loved one (death). Divorce is experienced as a loss, therefore, it is very, very difficult to go of good faith to such experiences.

Each person has a certain share of fear for their own future, since divorce will change its present.While the woman is married, she tries not to think about how many divorced women in search of new personal happiness remain alone or meet partners who are much worse than the former. A married woman - a certain status in society, his loss seems shameful, shameful.

Men are more afraid to be abandoned than to initiate a divorce, because it is important for them to emerge victorious from any situation. Fear for their own self-esteem, including in the eyes of others, as well as their unwillingness to change their usual comfortable course of events, often prevent them from making the decision to dissolve an outdated marriage.

Divorce will require the mobilization of domestic resources, changes in the lifestyle of all participants in the process, the future is not obvious, vague - this is the main deterrent. But in the case of destruction, when a divorce is the only reasonable decision to get out of a personal and family crisis, you should pay attention to the other side - the personal freedom that the solution will give.

Usually it turns out a vicious circle: we decide to divorce - we are afraid of the consequences - we change our mind and justify our refusal of the decision (temporary). And so over the years. Sooner or later, you will have to break this circle at any stage: after deciding whether a divorce is necessary, you should forbid yourself to think about the consequences or to imagine only the positive aspects of the dissolution of the marriage. Once the application is submitted, do not try to justify their doubts.

Leaving with them of their own accord can be very painful. But here you need to figure out - is it love? Most often, people confuse dependence, fear of loneliness, shame, an obscure future with high tender feelings for a partner. If you put everything “on the shelves” and know exactly what you are afraid of losing, it may turn out that there is no love for a long time, and it is much easier to divorce with the unloved. There are other situations that need a separate explanation.

Happiness near a drunk or hangover person who does not control his words and actions is impossible. Surely you have attempted to talk, influence, cure, save him from addiction. If there is no result, you should not hope for it. Now the addict apologizes in the morning, tries to make amends, but it will take a little time, and he will stop doing this if he realizes that you have put up with his addiction. And then any of your protest against alcohol will cause aggression, anger, inappropriate behavior in a partner.

It is better to do your own life, because to be the second half of an alcoholic or drug addict is to endanger your life. The sooner such relationships are broken, the less likely it is that the partner will develop the so-called codependency.

Yes, an alcoholic can be very sorry. But to pity someone who does not pity you and yourself is an empty exercise. The more the drinker is spared, the more reasons he has for self-pity, and, accordingly, for taking the next dose of alcohol. Alcoholics are well able to manipulate loved ones, they put pressure on pity, but remember that this is just a manipulation. On it, healthy relationships can not be built.

It is not necessary to speak and remind once again how painfully children endure the divorce of parents. It is better to tell about how they endure the refusal of a divorce in the case of a pathological marriage, because very few people speak honestly about this. Imagine that the relationship decided to save for the sake of children.Spouses live different lives, they have no unity and common goals, they are constantly in suspense, as if they were forced to always be close to others. Their tension sooner or later begins to cause psychosomatic diseases in children. Children of any age feel great understatement, tension. They cannot express it in words, cannot live and forget, because they have to be in this situation constantly.

Very problematic adolescents grow out of such children, and as they get older, they get an opportunity to protest by destructive behavior. And then the society receives adults who do not know how to build normal relations with the opposite sex, do not know how to appreciate and express warm feelings, lie. Want such a future for your little ones? Save destructive marriage. Want kids to grow up happy? Get divorced. Give them an example of getting out of destruction, rejection of pathological relationships. Over time, they will understand everything. There is no difference, you have one child, two or three. If relationships develop in a destructive scenario, they are dangerous for the psyche and health of all children.

Painless divorce does not happen. You have to go through several stages of making grief: from the complete denial of reality to anger, depression, humility and acceptance. But acceptance will be anyway. If you remember that these experiences and stages are natural in the case of parting, then it will be easier to survive them.

To part, if the decision is made, you need with dignity. Try to explain your decision as much as possible: speak with your partner smoothly, calmly, convincingly, give arguments, do not insult him, do not humiliate him. The conversation is very important so that there are no unresolved conflicts. With a civilian or official partner, with or without children - try to be correct. The only exceptions are cases where it is clearly understood that the partner will not adequately talk about the conversation: if the alcoholic partner does not let go, he totally controls, if the tyrant partner does not want to hear anything about your decision, if he begins to threaten, blackmail, raise his hand, then the conversation better to exclude.

Leave quietly, carefully, so as not to provoke an inadequate partner to aggression. You can enlist the support of relatives or friends, ask them to help you take out your things or be present during the departure - this will reduce the likelihood of physical abuse. Do not become a victim of manipulation, assess the partner's motives correctly. Do not feel sorry for yourself and him. It’s one thing to leave someone you love and respect, and it’s quite another to leave a person who is potentially dangerous for you and your children.

Thinking about this difficult decision, remember some important rules.

• Forget about self and partner pity. Decide without that feeling.
• Try on any argument “on yourself” - whether it is necessary for you, whether it will be useful for you.
• Do not decide for others. Have questions - ask.
• More often imagine what advantages your solution will have.