How to save a family that is on the verge of divorce?

Recently a wedding has gone out, a honeymoon has passed, where you and your husband were in love and happy. And now, after some time, there was a lapping, misunderstanding of each other, and you are ready to break off the relationship. Do not rush to make a radical decision. In the heat of emotions you can destroy that which is expensive. Inhale, exhale, put your thoughts in order and weigh the pros and cons.

We will not consider extreme situations where there is a threat to your life or health in marriage. The need for security is basic, and it is impossible to fully live in such a relationship. If the reasons are different - there is no understanding in matters of life, parenting, lack of financial, ideological knowledge, and so on, then perhaps you should keep the family on the verge of divorce.

Tips that you will hear from anyone may be valuable, but the decision is up to you anyway, because only your inner sense will help you find the right answer.

• First you need to decide from whom the spouses come from the initiative. If it is from you, then the opportunity to think carefully and correct the situation is in your hands. If the proposed spouse to disperse, you need to know the reason. When the reason is clear and it is categorical, the opposition will only strengthen your mutual hostility. It happens that the cause can not be found out immediately - wait a little to break the relationship and clarify the situation slowly.
• Imagine your life without a spouse. How do you survive parting? If you feel that you can’t do without it, that the break will only make you worse, then you should think about whether this separation is necessary.

• Listen to yourself: what feelings still exist in you and your partner? Will they help save your relationship? If both of you feel that they unite you, it is important to prevent separation.
• Think about what common interests you still have, for example, living space, common business. This question arises in almost all couples. Saving a marriage just for the sake of it, you will experience one irritation, which in the end can also lead to separation.
• Often the question arises whether it is worth saving a family for the sake of children. For parents, children are the meaning of life. For children, the family is the father and mother together, and divorce for them is an incomprehensible, meaningless and painful phenomenon. Despite this, putting all the efforts to save the marriage, remember that in the atmosphere of the abuse or mutual hostility of the spouses to children can not be better. Also, the child can take the negative behavior of parents as a sample and introduce it in the future to his family.

It is more difficult to build than to destroy, and to restore damaged relationships is not an easy task. But if you have something to save, then this work is worth the effort, and you can dissuade your companion from the divorce. The main thing to be done is to establish contact and conduct a dialogue. This is a skill that can and must be learned, will help restore any, not just family relationships.

Suppose a husband is dissatisfied with his wife’s cooking, and she is spinning from morning to evening as instituted: she will cook food in the evening, including the next day, in the morning children will be in school, she will take the school to work, and after work, taking children away newly taken to cook and feed all.But in the conversation of the spouses, it turns out that it is more important for her husband that she cooked a hot breakfast and had breakfast with him, and it’s not necessary to meet him at work as a supper, since he himself can warm up the food. As a result, the husband got what he wanted, and the wife was pleased that in the evening there was time to relax and talk with the family.

Talk with your companion heart to heart. To do this, calm down and choose the right moment. Because if you communicate in emotions or in a hurry, you will hardly understand each other, and you can tell a partner trouble and get even more angry. It is necessary not just to persuade him, but to clarify the causes of the conflict and the ways to solve it.

Both are often responsible for the deterioration of the relationship. When a partner sees that he is being listened to and understood or trying to understand, he is more willing to listen to your point of view. Then it will be easier to convince him not to divorce.

In a calm and benevolent tone, explain your position. Try to bring what you do not like without complaints and insults. The smooth background of the conversation will better help to understand the situation than the skirmish with offensive words.

Even the closest people will project their beliefs into your situation, and you can make a decision that is not in agreement with your views.

When painful questions are discussed and important decisions are made, agree on their implementation (you can even record them in writing in the form of a contract or a joint action plan). So both of you will know for which part of your relationship each of you is responsible, and this agreement will guarantee your peace of mind in this particular area. Returning to the example of cooking: the wife, now knowing the needs of her husband and considering her own (perhaps she is a “lark” and it is easier for her to cook everything in the morning and better to relax in the evening), promises to cook in the morning and rest in the evening. A spouse is obliged to buy food on the way from work instead of her, so that his faithful will have free time for evening rest.

Almost all families go through a period when the first strong feelings for each other cool down and the spouses begin to notice not only advantages, but also disadvantages. You both need to know that this process is almost inevitable (unless you approached the marriage with a “cool head” or calculation) and be prepared for this turn of events. Well, if you trust each other so much that you can calmly discuss such situations, it will help you keep your spouse. If not, then you need to learn sincere communication and trust.

But it still happened, and your husband, who yesterday was still hurrying from work with a cake for his beloved, today comes, flops into a chair by the TV and does not even smack you on the cheek. Or the wife who accompanied you in the mornings and blew away the dust particles from your costume is now engaged only in herself and the children.

Surely in your dreams you were together. Being together, helping, supporting each other - this is the meaning of the family.

Go back to your discussion or mentally (if it's still easier for you) by the time it was still romantic. What has changed since then in you, in your life? Often changes in relationships occur with the birth of children. The woman during this period is almost completely given to the maternal feeling. When the husband is also imbued with his fatherly feelings, then they are both immersed in the joyful care of the child. And when a man internally has not yet matured to fatherhood, then he will perceive painful reduction of self-care and may even be jealous of his wife for the baby.

The task of the spouses in this case to be sensitive to each other.

Give each other a little warmth with participation, taking care of the state of mind of the satellite: “How's the mood?”, “What's new?”.

If it turned out that you were united by passion, and not something deeper, then start looking for it deeper. Attend creative exhibitions, museums, cinema, performances, start exploring developing literature, watch interesting videos. Intentionally make your joint leisure productive. And, perhaps, not only leisure - what if your interests grow into a hobby and a main activity?

The main thing is to reduce the intensity of your feelings to understand each other and be attentive to the needs of your partner. Perhaps your well-groomed appearance is important to him, and maybe he needs to be useful, to be alone or simply to be grateful and appreciative.

The betrayal of a loved one and the pain of betrayal is difficult to forgive and forget. Emotions are bursting, and I want to throw them out, but the thought still works and you understand - the husband has not gone to another, it means that you and the family are more important to him.

Pause, move your breath. Now you can think and think about how to live.

If the answer is yes, then we will discuss further actions.

• Talk to him, let him explain.
• Most often, a woman wants to quarreling: “He has fumbled, and I will still lisp with him!” The exit to emotions, of course, is necessary, but it is important not to overdo it.
• Debriefing scenes should not be repeated - they get tired of and leave. It is enough to shout your feelings once. And in the future, just calmly discuss the situation.
• Together, look in your relationship for the cause of infidelity. They can be your jealousy or neglect of your spouse, routine, lack of trust in the relationship.

• Consider his reasonable reasons and, if this is your mistake, try not to repeat it.
• Mark your position, and, having made sure of understanding, secure an agreement to change what does not suit you in your relationship.
• This conversation should relate only to you two, if you do not want others in the future unwittingly hurt you with their exaggerations.
• Remember that the basis of trusting relationships is only goodwill; it is impossible to force someone to do what you want. Therefore, patience is your main tool in restoring a family hearth.

Building a family hearth is a process, and, as already mentioned, it is not easy. But once you think about preserving it, it means that you are ready to engage in this process and become the creator of your own destiny.

Below are tips from a psychologist on how to keep the family together.

• When troubles happen, try not to go into yourself for a long time, but to discuss the problem with your spouse. Being alone is sometimes necessary, but prolonged immersion in yourself will not add understanding. Mentally putting the situation on the shelves, share your thoughts and feelings with the faithful. Moments of intimate conversations will add confidence to your family and help protect you from discord.
• Mark for your shortcomings and eradicate them. For example, it may be unhealthy jealousy, pride, or, conversely, insecurity. All of us in one way or another are subject to such feelings, and in marriage they become more noticeable. Treat this as an opportunity to get to know yourself and change for the better.
• Take care of yourself, your appearance.Healthy attention to your appearance and well-groomed appearance, including at home, will help avoid the temptation of your spouse to compare you with other, more well-groomed women. If you are interested in yourself, you will be interesting and partner.

• Look for yourself in a diverse world of hobbies and interests. This can be as cooking, handicraft and home design, and the study of scientific materials in various fields, including in the field of psychology. Huge opportunities for development now provides the Internet, with the condition of its use as intended.
• Search for points of contact for common goals, values, interests, hobbies will help to prevent differences. They can be: raising children, traveling, creating a common cause, building a house, social activities, etc.
• Do not forget that one of the goals of any family is to care for each other. And, putting into the fore such values ​​as making money or achieving only material goals, one can lose the very meaning of the family. The phrase “family hearth” implies the possibility for family members to stay at least for a while and be together: someone for a common cause, someone for talking or messing with children, chatting, sharing their concerns or just sitting in silence, embracing.

• Taking care of your family, you need to remember about yourself, about your desires, needs. It is necessary for you to feel yourself as a whole person, and not as a mixture of the desires of children and husband. It is also necessary for your family. A wife and mother who knows what she wants, which means she loves and cares about herself - a calm and joyful mother, such a mother is able to give warmth and love and wants to be with her.

Save the family, on the verge of divorce, you can. To do this, you first need to make sure that it is necessary to preserve and that your decision is firm. After that, you can build relationships through dialogue and listening skills. After discussing the situation, do not forget to agree on new rules in your family for the changes to take effect. And now tune in to tireless work on yourself and your relationships, and peace and understanding will surely reign in your family.

How to keep a happy family, see the next video.