How to stop being jealous?

Jealousy is one of the most ancient feelings characteristic of man. At the dawn of the birth of civilization, it was precisely this feeling that made it possible to create tribes: the jealousy and aggressive reaction of the males did not allow other members of the stronger sex to continue the clan with representatives of this flame. Then jealousy led to the formation of a monogamous family. But this ancient feeling does not leave our contemporaries alone, and in any given situation almost everyone feels it, regardless of gender, age, social status or profession. This article will discuss how to cope with this very difficult feeling and stop torturing yourself and others with suspicion.

Jealousy in our lives is not limited to love relationships. There is children's jealousy, there is jealousy towards friends, colleagues. Any of these types is characterized by a strong emotional “storm”. The feelings of the one who is jealous may be different in the nuances; In general, any jealousy is always based on two main feelings: on fear of losing something (love, the object of this love, self-worth, authority and weight) and anger directed at an object that “encroaches” on this personal, belonging only to you.

Needless to say, both anger and fear are destructive feelings that gradually destroy the personality and health of not only the one who is jealous, but also the one who becomes the object of jealousy. This is especially noticeable in the case of paranoid, unhealthy jealousy, due to which murder and suicide are often committed.

In psychology, there are several types of jealousy, each of which is dangerous in its own way. The most simple and precise wording was presented by the modern Ukrainian psychologist Daniela Puertas, who summarized the works of Sigmund Freud and other eminent specialists and brought their theories into one concept.

• Paranoid jealousy - a state of mental distress, a paranoid-delusional personality disorder, in which a jealous person is unsubstantiated in his betrayal, and may also believe that the cheater regularly tries to poison him or get rid of him in another way.

• Narcissistic jealousy - a condition in which a jealous person is afraid of losing the object of love, as a component of his own personality, is to a greater extent a manifestation of great love for himself, and not for another person.

• Psychopathic jealousy - A state of psychopathy, very dangerous for all participants in the situation, is characterized by the unpredictability of the reactions of the jealous man and the spontaneity of anger attacks.

• Masochistic jealousy - suffering for the sake of suffering. If there is no fact of betrayal, the “sufferer” invents him and pities himself, without showing aggression, but trying to arouse the pity of everyone around him.

• Schizoid jealousy - is peculiar to non-emotional people, who in their own way benefit from supporting ideas of betrayal, because it gives them with a clear conscience to keep a distance from their partner.

• Hysterical jealousy - always refers only to physical, sexual treason (fictional or real), while having no relation to the world of feelings of love and affection, that is, the jealous man is concerned only with the fact of possible bodily treason. Flows violently.

• Obsessive-compulsive jealousy - “duty”, suspicion of internal obligations.Most often it is formed due to the ideas imposed in childhood that it is possible to show love only when certain conditions are fulfilled (lessons have been learned, the room has been removed). It appears boring, daily ritual: check the partner's phone, find out who and what he wrote, where he was.

In modern psychotherapy, there are several types of jealousy for its emotional color. Type determination is very important in order to understand how to help a person get rid of destructive thoughts and behavior.

• White - not pathological, not painful jealousy, inherent from time to time to every mentally normal person. There is no aggression, excessive suspicion, obsessive distrust, dangerous behavior in it. The jealous is adequate, listens to the voice of reason, to arguments, facts. Often, such jealousy allows you to “refresh” the relationship in a couple, especially if they have been around for a long time.

• Blue - jealousy with signs of increased anxiety. If you do not help a person, you can transform into a neurotic disorder. It manifests a violation of normal perception, bouts of tears, depressive moods, sleep disturbance.

• Green - on the verge of mental pathology, because the idea is gradually reborn into an obsessive one. Most often occurs on the background of an already existing neurotic state. In 20% of cases, a person succeeds in “returning” to reality, in the rest - jealousy turns into a pathological one.

• Red - the most dangerous, pathological, paranoid. It is accompanied by delirium, while the person himself no longer distinguishes fiction from truth, and considers his absurdity the only truth. It needs psychiatric treatment, often with the use of medicines.

This ancient feeling, if it is not curbed in time, can undermine human health. On the mental level, paranoia and schizophrenia can develop, on the psychosomatic one, oncological diseases, disorders of the organs of sight and hearing can develop.

But even at the initial stage, long before the development of the disease or mental disorder, jealousy causes physiological changes: a person begins to sleep worse, his appetite suffers, he becomes more absent-minded and inattentive to everything that is not related to his jealousy, and painfully treats every little thing that may be relevant to her.

If your plans do not include divorce, separation, placement in a psychiatric hospital for treatment, and you are disgusted with the idea that you will need to monitor your partner, to find evidence of his infidelity, it's time to think about how to get rid of this unpleasant and dangerous feelings.

Since male and female jealousy has some differences in mechanisms and manifestations, recommendations for elimination are different for those and others.

Male jealousy is very often directly related to low self-esteem. That is why the pernicious thoughts that someone else can be better in bed can earn more. The most reasonable way out of such a state for a stronger sex is to increase their own self-esteem. Sign up for a gym, get your body in good shape, change your job to a more interesting (and perhaps better paid), find a hobby that will give you the opportunity to get rid of the adrenaline rush: jump with a parachute, go to the mountains, fly paragliding . If this is unacceptable for you, find a less extreme hobby, as long as it enhances your value in your own eyes.

Think, because she chose you, and not the other. This means that a relationship with you means more to her than it might seem at first glance. Women are more tied to the hearth, to the family, and change, according to statistics, much less frequently than men.

Stop suspecting her, checking her mobile phone when she is in the bathroom, reading her messages and rummaging through the history of visiting sites. If she looked there for an answer to the question of how to become more sexual, this does not mean that the girl decided to raise her sexuality for someone else. With a high degree of probability, she does it for you.

Everything that worries, it is better to talk openly. This will help bring confidence in the relationship that women are very, very valuable, and personally help you get rid of baseless jealousy. It is also recommended to apply methods of psychological protection from new bouts of jealousy. They consist in the fact that for every thought about the possible infidelity of a girlfriend, a man with his characteristic rationalization thinking, you need to find at least three logical arguments, an argument of fact.

For example: “she definitely didn’t stay at work!” - logical arguments can be like this: “her organization at this time is no longer working”, “I saw her leave work ahead of time and leave in an unknown direction”, “I’m exactly I know that she was with her lover! ” If there is no evidence of such arguments, nothing to worry about. For each statement, you should always bring yourself a counterbalance: yes, she was late, but she warned that she would come later because she had to go to the store with her friend or call on her mother. Trust the partner. With a rational male brain, always try to adhere to the “presumption of innocence.”

The peculiarity of female jealousy is in the hypertrophied inner experiences. Even a normal, “white” jealousy may well cause an irresistible desire among the fair sex to rummage through their partner’s phone, to get to the bottom of the truth. Here, the main thing is not to overdo it, because from a normal and moderate to pathological jealousy in a woman is one step.

Women's jealousy is most often associated with a sense of threat to the family hearth. It seems to her that the usual way of life will surely collapse if the husband goes "left", and just like in men, the situation is affected by low self-esteem.

What to do - a difficult question. Better to start with increasing self-esteem: make your favorite hairstyle, update your wardrobe, lose a few extra pounds, find a fascinating and interesting hobby. This will not only distract from unpleasant thoughts and suspicions, but also increase your value in the eyes of your partner.

Talk with a partner. An adequate and loving man will be able to understand your feelings, as well as be able to dispel doubts. Avoid surveillance, a huge number of calls per day, demanding to tell where the man is now, what he is doing. And it is certainly not necessary to dig into his car or phone: attempts to control will be noticed without fail, and then you will get into an awkward position.

Try to plan more joint cases: from going to the store together (you’re not able to bring a bag of groceries to the trunk alone, it’s hard!) to sharing a football match with a beer. Take more interest in what is interesting to a man, learn to distinguish rugby from basketball, show him that you really like his hobby. And then the degree of trust will grow, and there will be less reasons for suspicion.

All of the above concerned jealousy unreasonable, having no soil. But what if there is a reason or as you think it is? In this case, coping with discomfort can be very difficult. Let's clarify right away that the reason for jealousy can be objective and subjective. In the first case, a weighty reason to suspect infidelity lies in certain oddities of behavior (he removed the ring, does not take friendly meetings and meetings with him, tries to avoid intimacy, often lingers, friends have seen him with a stranger, does not come to sleep, someone is obviously in the car travels except for you, because the seat is moved in an unusual way, etc., in the end, you yourself saw a partner with a rival (rival). Usually there are several such reasons at once, their strength - in the aggregate.

Subjective motives - this is your personal speculation. You are sure that the partner changes only because he is late at work, although you already know that his job is not normal. You believe that cheating can be only because there is less sex in the family; at the same time, it doesn’t even occur to you that your partner may have problems, including health problems, that he may actually tire.

It is very difficult to distinguish sometimes the objective from the subjective. But there are not so many ways out of the situation:

• stop “cheating yourself”, abandon suspicions and accusations, overcome your negative emotions and replace them with positive ones;

• start looking for concrete and irrefutable evidence of treason.

In the second case, you will get a good reason to stop being jealous if adultery does not find its confirmation. But it can cost you dearly: a partner who has learned about distrust can break off all relationships with you.

Whatever the reasons given to you, they differ from the facts by their twofoldness and illusion. On each of them, you can find a second, logical explanation, which has nothing to do with treason. If relations are expensive, there is no desire to spoil them with a partner, then it is better to try to cope with jealousy, without stepping into the path of a “self-taught detective”.

This will help a few simple installations:

• no one is bound to meet your expectations;

• Everyone has the right to personal secrets, personal space and their own free time, even if people are married, because marriage is not a prison;

• jealous people quickly lose the respect of a partner, and with the departure of such an important feeling as respect, love also leaves, there is no other way.

If you repeat this more often and do not do something that can destroy trust and respect, then it will not be as difficult to stop being jealous as it seems. If it is impossible to overcome suspicions, it is impossible to trust, there are other difficulties in the relationship, it is better to contact a specialist: a psychologist or a psychotherapist in person. It will be good if you also involve your beloved (loved one) in helping yourself, and openly ask that the person support you in this difficult task - the fight against jealousy. You are both interested in this.

Quite often, and some time after the dissolution of the marriage or termination of the relationship, the former spouses continue to stir up each other’s jealousy at a distance. It is rather not even jealousy, but a petty “revenge” for the fact that hopes did not come true, the relationship did not materialize. At the same time, one of the partners exposes their new relations, does everything so that the former half will know that there have been changes in the former's personal life.The desire to show her (him) that you are not so bad that he (she) would understand what gift of fate they lost, in their own way understandable and even natural.

Why does the second partner “peck” at this and start to get jealous almost for real? The key word here is "almost." This is not so much jealousy as insult, understatement, incompleteness of past relationships; it is a shame to a person not only that the former partner met another, but that “he, so good, found a replacement so quickly!”. This is the cry of wounded pride and nothing more.

To cope with this form of jealousy is quite simple: Realize that you feel precisely the insult, and also understand that this insult was the goal of the former, who showed you his new life. Do not let manipulate yourself. Stop suffering and take care of your personal life, which will allow after a while to give the former a few hours of unpleasant emotions about the fact that you, too, everything is fine.

A completely different nature of jealousy to the past person. It is especially difficult for men and women who associate themselves with a partner who has children from former marriages and who maintains friendly relations with former wives or husbands.

Doubts in this situation are not always groundless. To build a strong relationship with such a partner, you need to be sure that the relationship “there” is over. Unfortunately, the former spouses often continue to meet from time to time and enter into intimate contacts, or simply talk with old-fashioned people over a glass of tea. Sooner or later, such protracted "bouts of nostalgia" end, but do you have to wait and suffer? If the relationship is not completed to the end - the former often call each other, often correspond, meet - you need to put everything in its place and wait this period at a safe distance.

If the partner does not give a reason to be jealous of the former, and his meetings are limited to meetings with children, besides you have a serious relationship, you should not control the partner, you should not forbid him to communicate with the former family. It is unworthy, low and wrong. To cope with jealousy will have quite often, but to win it is quite possible. All misunderstandings in this case will help solve the confidential conversation.

The so-called friendly jealousy is not a common phenomenon among adults and independent people, it is usually characteristic of children and adolescents. If an adult is jealous of a friend or girlfriend towards other common acquaintances, this is a sign of psychological and emotional immaturity., by virtue of which a person is simply "stuck in childhood." Attitudes toward such friends are usually always sympathetic and a little pitiful, just as they pity an unreasonable and capricious child. If a friend begins to "act up a little" a little stronger, then pity is replaced by irritation and the very fact of friendship is placed under a big question mark. Many find it easier to remove such a person from the social circle than to endure his whims and jealousy.

Think about all this, if you suddenly feel hurt and jealous feeling fluttering inside, if your close friend, without saying anything, went with other friends for fishing, a picnic or at sea, and you (the closest person since kindergarten!) Were notified this is not set. Friends do not owe each other anything. They are not obliged to say where and with whom they go, where they want to spend the day off. It is not necessary to transfer the feeling of jealousy to such relationships as friendships.

A completely different jealousy is the jealousy of one’s half to friends. At the same time they are jealous of their comrades and partners of their partner.It is very easy to play around and become a real tyrant who will interfere with the joint campaigns of friends in the cinema or in the club, meetings of classmates and classmates.

Understand that your partner will not be happier if you distract all his acquaintances from him, and you alone can never replace him with the whole necessary range of communication. Leaving a partner alone, you risk that one day he will leave you too: he is no longer accustomed to losses. In addition, he will always blame you for not having communication outside the family circle.

Learn to mentally put yourself in the place of your friend. And in this case, the situation may look completely different. This method will require a certain skill, psychological training and patience, but the results are not long in coming. Getting rid of jealousy is a gradual process.

Never push on weak points: “We experienced so much together with you, and you ...”, “When it was bad for you, it was I who helped you!”. Sincere and true friendship does not need such reminders; a friend is valued not for concrete assistance in a given situation, but simply for the sake of everything, with all the deeds and statements.

If you are the victim of companionship jealousy, try to convey all these thoughts to the jealous man.and also clearly define the boundaries of the allowable. Do not blame yourself, do not let a friend manipulate your life, in which you have the right to decide for yourself what to do and how.

If you are tormented by a feeling of jealousy, the advice of professional clinical psychologists will help to cope with it. Imagine them briefly.

• Honestly admit to yourself that you are “sick” and treat your jealousy just like an ailment, which is to be cured.

• Be sure to try to find the cause of your feelings. If you cannot find a motive on your own, then contact a psychologist or any person you trust to tell everything and find the reasons together.

• Understand clearly what feelings you have in a fit of jealousy: resentment, hurt pride, anger, fear or other feeling. This will help control your emotions.

• Learn to treat yourself better: improve, learn, change jobs, image, learn to like yourself in the mirror.

• Clearly plan your time, try to occupy yourself constantly. Idleness - fertile ground for a variety of obsessive thoughts.

• Make positive adjustments to the relationship with your loved one. Remember that anger begets anger, and total control - the desire to run. Try to share good emotions, and in return will receive the same, which ultimately will help increase the degree of trust in each other.

How to deal with jealousy and how to treat it, you will learn from the video below.